IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 3.5

Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Television advertising directed toward young children (aged two to five) should not be allowed.

#television #children #two #five
Undoubtedly the promotions for selling goods by big brands enmeshed the
mind
 of young children. I agree
to
Change preposition
with
show examples
opinion
Correct article usage
the opinion
show examples
 that
such
advertisement
Fix the agreement mistake
advertisements
show examples
 should be blocked.
This
 essay will highlight numerous plausible reasons for the opinion. The advertisement of junk foods is prevalent these days on
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
digital media like television. As the immature
mind
don’t
Correct subject-verb agreement
doesn’t
show examples
 have enough knowledge to comprehend the pros and cons of
such
 advertisements. Regular consumption of high calories food leads to obesity which is
very
Correct article usage
a very
show examples
 common issue these days, which is
cause
Add an article
the cause
a cause
show examples
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
various types of health
complication
Fix the agreement mistake
complications
show examples
 in future. It has been observed that the stamina of
student
Fix the agreement mistake
students
show examples
 is going down regularly as the main components like iron and vitamins are missing from their daily diet.
Moreover
, the promotions targeting young
children’s
Change noun form
children
show examples
 take
help
Correct article usage
the help
show examples
 of their
Correct your spelling
superhero
show examples
super hero
Correct your spelling
superhero
show examples
 characters like superman or spiderman which have no near connection with reality.
As a result
, it has no benefits or
add
Change the verb form
adds
show examples
 any value to
development
Add an article
the development
show examples
 of children.
Furthermore
, it has
negative
Add an article
a negative
show examples
 effect on the
mind
 of the youngsters. One kid trying to impersonate Spiderman jumped from the roof and broke his legs and these types of incidents are eyeopener to resemble the state of
mind
 children today have. In essence, promotions for products are misleading and
adolescent
Fix the agreement mistake
adolescents
show examples
 are unable to differentiate between reality and fictional things
is
Change the verb form
are
show examples
 having
catastrophic
Add an article
a catastrophic
show examples
 effect on
the
Change the word
their
show examples
mind
 of them. So, they should be banned immediately.
Submitted by contactmanmeet on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: