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Band 6.5

In today’s competitive world, many families find it necessary for both parents to go out for work. While some say the children in these families benefit from the additional income, others feel they lack support because of their parents’ absence.

#today’s #world #families #parents #work #say #children #benefit #income #lack #support #parents’ #absence
Nowadays, in most
families
 for practical
reasons
Add a comma
reasons,
show examples
both
parents
 go out for work.
While
 some people say that it is beneficial for an additional income for their
children
, others think that they lack support because of the absence of the
parents
. In
this
 essay, I will discuss
both
 points of view, on working with
both
parents
 and the idea of not having a physical parental presence for the
children
.
While
 some
families
 may sustain the financial cost with only one parent working, other
families
 need to have two
parents
 in order to have a comfortable household living. The benefit of having
both
parents
 working can gain more stability and financial security.
For instance
, I grow up with
both
 my father and mother hustling from morning until afternoon for work
due to
 big family expenses. If only one parent will work either one of my siblings will not be able to finish
school
, as expenses like utilities, tuition and food will consume my father’s income.
This
 means that some
families
 like our household may be necessary not just for comfort to have two streams of income by having
both
parents
 working.
On the other hand
,
both
parents
 working may mean absent figures in the physical aspect.
Although
 there are many kinds of support a parent can give to the child, the most important of them all is the physical presence. Some working individuals may find it hard to attend special events at
school
 for their offspring like recognition, graduation and recitals.
As a result
 of their absence, the
children
 will have poor performance in
school
 and other activities. The
children
 may be
also
 exposed to illegal substance use as there is no parental figure present at home.
Overall
, working
parents
 provide the family
financial
Change preposition
with financial
show examples
 security. It helps the household to survive and have comfortable living conditions. But,
on the other hand
,
this
 comfort entails possible absent parental presence on the special milestones of their
children
 at
school
.
Submitted by dhowardjacob on

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vocabulary
Try to use more varied vocabulary to express your ideas more precisely and avoid repetition. For example, instead of repeating 'both parents working,' you can use synonyms like 'dual-income families' or 'working parents.'
transition
Ensure a smooth transition between ideas and paragraphs. Use linking words and phrases such as 'moreover,' 'furthermore,' and 'in addition' to enhance the flow of your essay.
support
Provide more specific examples and evidence to support your arguments. This will make your points more convincing and strengthen your task response.
balance
You have addressed both sides of the argument well, showing a balanced view on the topic.
structure
Your essay is well-structured with clear paragraphs for the introduction, body, and conclusion.
support
You have included a personal example to support your point, which adds authenticity to your argument.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • dual-income households
  • financial stability
  • work-life balance
  • emotional well-being
  • parental involvement
  • social development
  • extracurricular activities
  • childcare solutions
  • time management
  • career advancement
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