IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

Major companies use sports events to promote their product. Some people think it has a negative impact on sports. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Athletic events are often used by a lot of manufacturers to advertise their goods, a part of individuals believe that it is a bad influence on
sports
Use synonyms
. I strongly agree with
this
Linking Words
 statement since it may have repercussions on athletes' mental health,
also
Linking Words
 some advertisements promote products that contradict a healthy lifestyle
that is
Linking Words
 expected from athletic competitions.
Firstly
Linking Words
, I think some advertisements are incoherent and they are promoting
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
goods that may be disadvantageous. As
sports
Use synonyms
 competitions are expected to encourage the public to live a healthy life and give the consumers the products that lead them to
this
Linking Words
 way, sometimes companies seem to be in line with
this
Linking Words
 approach.
For instance
Linking Words
, Italy's national volleyball team is sponsored by Kinder, which is a chocolate brand. We know that consumption of
such
Linking Words
 ingredients is always considered a bad diet habit, especially for young people and I would say it totally contradicts
sports
Use synonyms
 festivals' purposes. If we want to go
further
Linking Words
, athletes' mental health might be put at risk as they are paid by their sponsors and clearly, they are always expected to win to bring benefit to the brand. If they were champions and famous, the problem would be even harder for them to tackle, because the fans' desire to win must be taken into account as a mental pressure as well. I think their failure in a match could affect the company's reputation.
For example
Linking Words
, in the recent
formula1
Correct your spelling
Formula
 competition Lewis Hamilton who drives for the Mercedes-Benz team was expected to
be
Verb problem
win
show examples
 the first place but a sudden accident did not let him win. Since his sponsors are dominant in the market, his failure was a serious shock for them and I think it
also
Linking Words
 might have affected his mental
conditions
Fix the agreement mistake
condition
show examples
.
To conclude
Linking Words
, I restate that some products that are promoted in
sports
Use synonyms
 events are often incoherent and they do not advertise healthy lifestyles and
sports
Use synonyms
-related goods.
Moreover
Linking Words
,
this
Linking Words
 attitude to advertisement is likely to harm athletes' mental health as companies put a lot of pressure on them to maintain their reputation.
While
Linking Words
 some people still say that it is a good way to make a profit, I would say it is not worth the consequences.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
In your introduction, clarify your position clearly and include a brief overview of the main points you will discuss.
coherence and cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph clearly supports one main idea and that all ideas are logically linked throughout the essay.
task achievement
Consider providing more diverse examples to illustrate your points, as well as discussing potential positive aspects of sponsorship briefly to acknowledge the complexity of the issue.
task achievement
Your essay presents a clear position on the topic, demonstrating a strong understanding of the question.
task achievement
You've chosen relevant examples that illustrate your points regarding mental health and product influence on sports.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • commercialization
  • sponsorship
  • branding
  • athlete
  • performance
  • sportsmanship
  • funding
  • facilities
  • accessibility
  • divide
  • exposure
  • global audience
  • popularity
  • neglect
  • hike
  • entertainment
  • event
  • corporation
  • profitability
  • culture
  • representation
What to do next:
Look at other essays: