IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5.5

Many parents prefer keeping their children indoors unlike outdoors. What is your opinion.

#parents #children #indoors
Nowadays most parents would rather keep their
offsprings
Fix the agreement mistake
offspring
show examples
 inside and not outside.
This
 essay will agree with
this
 idea to an extent but there could be some negative aspects to
this
.
First
 of all, it is important that juveniles are encouraged to stay indoors because it prevents them from learning bad
behaviors
Change the spelling
behaviours
show examples
 from others. Since out there no one is around to tell them what's right or wrong and as we know peer pressure is common.
For example
, many young
people
 in some countries start smoking or drinking alcohol at an early age because their guardians gave them the freedom to stay outdoors by themselves without any guidance from elderly
people
as a result
 inappropriate
behaviors
Change the spelling
behaviours
show examples
 were adopted . Even though, it is better to make sure children are inclined to
being
Wrong verb form
be
show examples
 indoors
this
 idea is not good because staying in one place can be very suffocating apart from that these
boy
Fix the agreement mistake
boys
show examples
 and girls are denied the opportunity to make friends
this
 may
instill
Change the spelling
instil
show examples
 stress in them and
also
 they may have no ability to create meaningful relationships with
people
 their age.
For instance
, a lot of children around the world who do not have any friends have the history of their parents stopping them from going out to see what the environment around them had to offer,
as a result
, they ended up with no companions which
also
 caused stress disorders. In conclusion, I argue to an extent that it is advantageous to keep young
people
 at home because it prevents them from adopting inappropriate
behaviors
Change the spelling
behaviours
show examples
 but
this
 may lead to negative outcomes like being unable to create friendships and
therefore
 leading them into stressful situations
Submitted by felicamwinji on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: