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Band 3

Social media is becoming increasingly popular among all age groups. However, sharing personal information on social media websites does have risks. Do you think that the advantages of social media outweigh the disadvantages?

#media #age #groups #information #websites #risks
Social
media
 has
becomes
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become
show examples
 a useful tool in daily life, where it can benefit
people
 of all
age
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ages
show examples
.
Nevertheless
, some
people
 consider that social
media
 is putting personal
information
 out of
secure
Replace the word
security
show examples
. In my perspective, I think the advantages of social
media
outweighs
Change the verb form
outweigh
show examples
 the disadvantages.
To begin
 with,
people
 can share
information
 using social
media
 which makes life more convenient and efficient.
For example
,
people
 may share some useful learning skills or tutorials online.
As a result
, others can get
this
Correct determiner usage
these
show examples
 tips easier by using social
media
.
Moreover
, it is more efficient as it cost less time than collecting
information
 offline.
Therefore
,
people
 can get more knowledge using social
media
 and make life easier and more efficient.
On the contrary
, personal
information
 may be out of
secure
Replace the word
security
show examples
 on social
media
. As many apps require personal details to
login
Replace the word
log in
show examples
, those personal details
are place
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are placed
show examples
 under a spotlight once
people
 entered
it
Correct pronoun usage
them
show examples
. Some may use
those personal
Change the determiner
that personal information
show examples
information
 to do dangerous or illegal activities which put citizens in
dangerous
Add an article
a dangerous
show examples
place
Fix the agreement mistake
places
show examples
.
Therefore
, social
media
 may
brings
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bring
show examples
 risks to
person
Correct article usage
a person
show examples
.
However
,
comparing
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compared
show examples
 to the advantages, the drawbacks may be inconspicuous. Once
people
 find out their personal
information
 being leakages, the reputation of the apps may
be reduce
Change the verb form
be reduced
show examples
.
Therefore
, to ensure the reputation, the designer will carefully protect the personal
informations
Change the wording
information
pieces of information
show examples
 and complete the system to make it more secure.
Submitted by hhhhelen.poon on

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For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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