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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The charts below show the number of Japanese tourists travelling abroad between 1985 and 1995 and Australia's share of the Japanese tourist market. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

The charts below show the number of Japanese tourists travelling abroad between 1985 and 1995 and Australia's share of the Japanese tourist market. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.
#show #japanese #tourists #australia #tourist #market #summarise #information #features #comparisons
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The first graph illustrates the
Japanese
Use synonyms
 sightseer travelling abroad from 1985 to 1995. We can see in the bar graph, that the number of
traveler
Change to a plural noun
travelers
show examples
 continuously grows over
this
Linking Words
 decade.
While
Linking Words
 in 1985 about 5
Million
Use synonyms
Japanese
Use synonyms
 travelled abroad, already 15
Million
Use synonyms
 left Japan for Vacation in 1995. The
second
Linking Words
 chart shows the share of
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
Japanese
Use synonyms
 tourists that travelled to
Australia
Use synonyms
. In 1985, less than 50 Percent of
Japanese
Use synonyms
tourist
Fix the agreement mistake
tourists
show examples
 flew to
Australia
Use synonyms
. 5
Million
Use synonyms
Japanese
Use synonyms
 left their country for vacation and 2
Million
Use synonyms
were
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
travelling to
Australia
Use synonyms
 in 1985. If we compare the year 1985 with the year 1995 we can see that more
Japanese
Use synonyms
 were travelling abroad, but it is the same ratio of tourists that travelled to
Australia
Use synonyms
 as in 1985. 15
Million
Use synonyms
Japanese
Use synonyms
 went abroad and 6
Million
Use synonyms
 went to
Australia
Use synonyms
.
This
Linking Words
 is a little less than 50 Percent. We can
also
Linking Words
 see that the share of
Japanese
Use synonyms
 tourists decreased in 1990.
Submitted by korbinian.schoerghuber on

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Basic structure: Use less body paragraphs.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words japanese, million, australia with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "graph" was used 2 times.
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