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Band 4.5

Some people say that most of the urgent problems can only be solved with international cooperation. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#people #cooperation
Many of us believe critical issues could be resolved by
taking
Verb problem
getting
show examples
 help from foreign
companies
.I agree with the given statement and
this
 essay will discuss the same.
Firstly
, Multi-National Cooperation has vast
data
 collected from around the globe in order to maintain
data
 structure.
Secondly
, these
companies
 hire well-experienced people for their
organizations
 from different parts of the world. To commence with, Multi-National
Organizations
 are always into deep research for every kind of problem persisting around the planet they have extensive
data
 structures which can help to rectify various disputes as these
data
 are well organized and have a lot of proven strategies.Few international
companies
 work
is
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
to
only
Rephrase
apply
show examples
maintain records of each sector worldwide like transportation, agriculture, medical,
manufacturing
Correct word choice
and manufacturing
show examples
 industries and the list is endless.
On the other hand
, these
organizations
 hire well-experienced employees from all around the world and use their vast knowledge to resolve many
emergencies
Change the noun form
emergency
show examples
 situations.
Furthermore
,
experience
Replace the word
experienced
show examples
 candidates do not require any deep training and their ideas mostly justify the resolution offered by them.
For instance
, research done by students of
oxford university
Correct your spelling
Oxford University
show examples
 USA in 2016 and 2018 found that resolutions provided by experienced people are much more effective than
a
Change preposition
by a
show examples
non or
low
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
knowledgeable candidate.
To conclude
,
urge
Wrong verb form
urging
show examples
 help from international
companies
 could be the best available option out there because of their well-maintained
data
along with
research
Correct article usage
the research
show examples
 they use to do in real-time.
Also
, staffing only experienced people in their
organizations
 from many parts of the world could be a top-up in resolving of given or any upcoming problem.
Submitted by chhabra.shekhar on

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Task Response
The introductory paragraph does not clearly state the writer's position or argument. It is important to clearly state whether you agree or disagree with the given statement in the introduction.
Coherence and Cohesion
The essay lacks coherence and cohesion, as the ideas are not logically organized and there is a lack of clear connection between sentences and paragraphs. Use transition words and phrases to connect ideas and improve the overall structure of the essay.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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