IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

Despite the advances made in agriculture, many people around the world still go hungry. What is the cause? What can be done about it?

#advances #agriculture #people #world
In
this
 present world,
technology
 is
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 major role in our society. Even in
agriculture
,
technology
 can assist
famers
Correct your spelling
farmers
 to work less than
the
Change preposition
in the
show examples
 past by using a machine. In
this
 topic regarding
straving
Correct your spelling
starving
people
 around the
world
Add a comma
,world
show examples
 I think it is not about the advances made in
agriculture
 but it is about economics. That I am going to explain in the following paragraphs.
Firstly
, many
people
 around the world still go hungry and sometimes
eating
Wrong verb form
eat
show examples
 without nutrients because of the economy and financial system that keep them
to
Fix the infinitive
apply
show examples
have no
food
 to eat or they are very poor and lack
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
money to buy any
food
.
For example
, a lot of nations in
Change the capitalization
Africa
African
show examples
africa
Correct article usage
the africa
show examples
 continent are
hardly
Replace the adverb
hard
show examples
 to
agriculture
 or plant
seed
Add an article
the seed
a seed
show examples
that
Correct pronoun usage
which
show examples
 cause them
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
unadequate
Correct your spelling
inadequate
food
 and meal for
thier
Correct your spelling
their
 own citizens
furthermore
, the
politicains
Correct your spelling
politicians
 are selfish and do not pay any attention
on
Change the preposition
to
show examples
thier
Correct your spelling
their
people
.
Therefore
, the reason is not about
technology
 but it is about
selfishness
Add an article
the selfishness
show examples
 of some
people
.
Secondly
, the solution is we have to give
an
Remove the article
apply
show examples
education and a knowledge about
agriculture
 to the citizens in order to adjust
knowledge
Correct pronoun usage
their knowledge
show examples
 to do some work for
living
Add an article
a living
show examples
 and help
yourself
Correct pronoun usage
themselves
show examples
 by farming or fishing.
For example
, if they
are
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
lack
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
knowledge regarding how to survive, we have to instruct them by
have
Wrong verb form
having
show examples
 a farming petting animals for meat and going out
for
Change preposition
apply
show examples
fishing either. Because if we donate the
food
 they will understand only waiting for some assistance but if we teach them how to survive by
yourselves
Correct pronoun usage
themselves
show examples
 in the future they are not going to
wait
Add the preposition
forwait
show examples
 any donation. In conclusion, the advances of
technology
 in
agriculture
Add an article
the agriculture
show examples
 field
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
show examples
 superb to develop our
food
in
Correct your spelling
indirect
show examples
direct
Change the article
a direct
show examples
 way,
on the other hand
,
development
Correct article usage
the development
show examples
 of
technology
 did not help poor
peopl
Correct your spelling
people
, they still go
hungey
Correct your spelling
hungry
everyday
Replace the word
every day
show examples
 and
waiting
Wrong verb form
wait
show examples
 for the donation Does it will be better if some organization give the real hand to bring them into
same
Change the article
the same
show examples
 status with us?
Submitted by phuchanate on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: