IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Many manufactured food and drink products contain high level of sugars which causes many health problems. Sugary products should be made more expensive to encourage people to consume less sugar. Do you agree or disagree?

#food #drink #products #level #sugars #health #people #sugar
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Today high levels of
sugar
Use synonyms
 are contained in many sources of
food
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, especially in manufactured
food
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 And of course, eating so much
sugar
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 is not good for our health it can cause just a simple cavy,
for example
Linking Words
, but
also
Linking Words
 worse problems, like the increasing level of
sugar
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 in
blood
Add an article
the blood
show examples
. Some
people
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 suggest that sugary products should be more expensive, so
people
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 would buy less of them. According to me. think that
this
Linking Words
 solution is not the best one as sugary products include some types of
food
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 that we eat
everyday
Replace the word
every day
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,
such
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 as bread or pasta.
Linking Words
This
Correct determiner usage
These
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 foods, particularly the
first
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 one, are really important in our diet, so
make
Wrong verb form
making
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 them more expensive will influence not only our lifestyle
,
Remove the comma
apply
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 but
also
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 some
people
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 wouldn't be able anymore to buy the most important
food
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 for them. Just think
for example
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 to poor
people
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, who can maybe afford a few loads of bread per day what would they cat if we increased
bread
Correct article usage
the bread
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 price? I think that the best solution
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
this
Linking Words
 problem would be informing
people
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 about what they eat
,
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apply
show examples
 because sometimes we don't even know that. They have already done something to inform
people
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 about the characteristics of
food
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, of course, and
lebels
Correct your spelling
labels
levels
 are one of the most important
thing
Change to a plural noun
things
show examples
, as they tell you all the ingredients of a particular
food
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. Yet, not many
people
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 spend some of their time reading
lebels
Correct your spelling
labels
, or, if they do it, they probably don't know the biggest part of the substances named in the list, as well not everybody knows that there is a specific order of the ingredients in the list. So something we could do is
organizing
Wrong verb form
organise
show examples
 some "talks" to inform
people
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 not only about the function of
lebels
Correct your spelling
labels
levels
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 but especially about the big amount of
sugar
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 we eat
everyday
Replace the word
every day
show examples
. I think as well that
Linking Words
this
Correct determiner usage
these
show examples
 talks should be organised
also
Linking Words
 in schools, because
also
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 children must be aware of what they eat,
besides
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, children can tell what they have learned
by
Change preposition
from
show examples
 these conferences
at
Change preposition
to
show examples
 their parents, so the whole family would eat better. To sum it up. think that it is not necessary to increase the prices of sugary
food
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 and that all we need is information, that will lead
people
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 to eat less sugary
food
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 and as a consequence, live better with
less
Change the quantifier
fewer
show examples
 problems.
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For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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