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Band 5

5. Some people think that children should be raised by all the family members (e.g: uncle, aunt and grandparents) rather than only parents. Give your opinion.

#people #children #members #e #g #uncle #aunt #grandparents #parents
In the modern era, in some families, all the family
members
 raise
children
. While some people believe that it is beneficial, some assert that only
parents
 should raise their kids. Regarding
this
, I strongly agree with the former opinion. On the one hand, if the opinions between
parents
 and other family
members
 are different,
children
 can be confused. Since each person has his own view
to
Change preposition
of
show examples
 the world, it is common that people
have
Fix the infinitive
to have
show examples
 various values that cause conflict among them. When
children
 experience
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 variety of views, they become
hesitate
Replace the word
hesitant
show examples
 to choose priorities.
Additionally
,
children
 have to learn parenting from their
parents
, and
therefore
 they should spend a lot of time with them. If other relatives disrupt
this
 crucial procedure,
children
 can learn about
parents
’ roles.
Therefore
, only
parents
 should nurture their
children
.
On the other hand
, family
members
 can monitor
children
 closely in order to prevent
from
Change preposition
apply
show examples
anti-social
behaviors
Change the spelling
behaviours
show examples
. When
parent
Fix the agreement mistake
parents
show examples
are
Change the verb form
is
show examples
 absent,
children
 tend to easily approach
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
inappropriate media
such
 as adult TV programs and violent video games, thereby leading to
be
Wrong verb form
being
show examples
 involved in vandalism or petty crimes.
Hence
, the surveillance of family
members
 can be a key factor in reducing these problems.
Furthermore
, when all of
family
Add an article
the family
show examples
 participate in raising kids, they become a closed knit family as they are involved in various activities
such
 as video
game
Fix the agreement mistake
games
show examples
 and cooking.
For example
, recent media in Korea reports that
child rearing
Add a hyphen
child-rearing
show examples
 with all family
members
 bring about the
enhance
Replace the word
enhancement
show examples
 of the relationship among them. As the example clearly illustrates, every family member should support
children
 together for
a
Remove the article
apply
show examples
positive interaction. In conclusion, while I accept that nurturing kids by only
parents
 can sometimes be useful, it is no doubt that having a close relationship through
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
nurturing is crucial in order to enhance communication among family
members
. What is more, it can be a chance to decrease the generation
gab
Correct your spelling
gap
show examples
 as grandparents can participate in
child rearing
Add a hyphen
child-rearing
show examples
.
Submitted by hiasince38 on

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Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • extended family
  • support
  • emotional stability
  • diverse experiences
  • perspectives
  • strong bonds
  • sense of belonging
  • multiple caregivers
  • burden
  • balanced parenting
  • find a balance
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