IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4

Ownership of mobile phones has risen dramatically in the recent years despite the potentially harmful effects they may have on our health and society. Governments should introduce measures to restrict ownership of mobile phones to those who need them for their work. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?

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Owing to the hazardous impressions that using cell phones is associated with,some individuals expect governments to restrict
the
Correct article usage
apply
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humans' access to
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this gadget
Fix the agreement mistake
these gadgets
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 except for citizens, who
require
Wrong verb form
are required
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 to utilize
that
Correct pronoun usage
them
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 for occupational purposes.
However
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,in my point of view,it is necessary for everyone to be free in terms of using their personal mobiles.
Nevertheless
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,both sides are explained here.
As one
Correct word choice
One
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 of the most highlighted drawbacks of prohibiting folks from having smartphones has to do with the inflation that probably would emerge after that,
as a consequence
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 of thirst that may appear in brains for
this
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 facility.As a vivid case,not only should customers pay a lucrative source of money to purchase them but their quality would plummet drastically if they are not allowed to buy one of them for themselves easily.
Furthermore
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,nowadays,these pieces of device are as crucial as oxygen,
due to
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 the fact that the majority of daily affairs are tackled by them.To enlighten,monthly payments that used to be spent in person by waiting in different rows,today, are done by mobiles and
likewise
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,even in emergency conditions,they are useful in order to call either police offices or ambulance stations.
On the other hand
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,its devastating effects on children cannot be ignored,which not only need authorities' interference but parents should be rigid in controlling their scions
also
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.
For instance
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,both mental and
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similarly
Change the word
similar
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 physical disorders are interwoven with the sedentary lifestyle
as a result
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 of overusing mobiles.Namely,cardiovascular problems and as well violence are increasing in various nations, based on released news.
Moreover
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,offspring may encounter inappropriate information
that is
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 broadcasted by
cellphones
Correct your spelling
cell phones
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 these days.To illustrate,neither violence nor sexual issues are supervised by officers,
therefore
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,it is better for juveniles to be limited from using their personal smartphones, as the most dominant amenity among the
youngster
Fix the agreement mistake
youngsters
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.
To conclude
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,
while
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 some dire consequences are related to mobile phones,to me, their positive footprints surpass in divergent aspects,
such
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 as the capability of
doing
Verb problem
making
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 payments from
distance
Correct article usage
a distance
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 or even being efficient in emergency circumstances.
Although
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,some restriction on children's access to
this
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 equipment seems to be beneficial, yet not banning that completely.

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improvement
Task Response: The essay provides arguments for and against the statement, showcasing both sides of the argument. However, the response lacks a strong and clear position on the issue. The writer should clearly state their position and provide a stronger justification for it.
improvement
Coherence and Cohesion: The essay has a logical structure but lacks coherence in linking ideas within and between paragraphs. Some paragraphs lack clear topic sentences and supporting details. The conclusion is weak and does not effectively summarize the main points of the essay. The writer should work on improving topic sentences, using cohesive devices, and strengthening the conclusion.
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