IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 6

Do you think punishment should be used to teach children wrong or right actions?

#punishment #children #right #actions
In our current world, it is becoming hard to bring up our offspring by teaching moral values. Many parents try to control their kid's bad behaviour by giving punishment, in another hand others just ignore their wrong actions. In the following paragraph, I am trying to discuss both views.
To begin
 with, in my view, Parents are the first teachers
for
Change preposition
of
show examples
 kids, that's why whenever they
do
Verb problem
make
show examples
 mistakes , it is the parent's responsibility to correct them
then
 and there only,
otherwise
, children think what they do is right and just continue the same action,
For
example
Add the comma(s)
example,
show examples
 when a kid push or beat his or her peer, in the presence of guardians, the kid has to get educated about his or her miss behaviour , in order to stop
further
 attacks. If we neglect those types of activities, in future they may become
criminal minded
Add a hyphen
criminal-minded
show examples
.
Moreover
, certain punishments like keeping the children, with a more aggressive character, that cannot be controlled by parents or teachers, under juvenile jail custody, giving a chance to
get
Verb problem
apply
show examples
evaluate their nature with the help of a psychologist and they can come out with a better situation.
For
example
Add a comma
example,
show examples
 Ram , a child ,who killed his younger brother, confessed after finishing his punishment period in jail with a certain amount of fine and now he is a member of
a
Change the article
an
show examples
 organisation , that supports the mental health of vulnerable children.
To conclude
, in my opinion , fair punishment, without harming physically and
according to
 the depth of the case, is an acceptable way to mould the young generation with a better life and reduce criminal cases in future.
Submitted by metiva09 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task response
Ensure a clear thesis statement in the introduction to guide the reader on your main argument.
coherence and cohesion
Provide a stronger link between your supporting points and the thesis statement to enhance coherence.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: