IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

Success is often measured in term of how much money somebody has earned. Do you think the wealth is a good measure of success? How else could we measure whether somebody is successful or not?

#success #term #money #somebody #wealth #measure
There are a lot of different opinions on the topic of is
money
 a measure of
success
. Some
people
 think, that if somebody has a big salary or a huge sum of
money
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
 the bank account, he or she is
a
Change the article
apply
show examples
successful, but some
people
 have
completely
Correct article usage
a completely
show examples
 opposite
point
Fix the agreement mistake
points
show examples
 of view.
To begin
with
Add a comma
,with
show examples
 it is worth to be mentioned, that
personally
Add a comma
,personally
show examples
 I cannot agree with the statement. I believe that it is not a good way to measure
success
 with
money
, as
money
 could be received by any means,
for
example
Add a comma
,example
show examples
 there is a possibility to win the
lotter
Correct your spelling
lottery
 or to just have
wealth
Replace the word
wealthy
show examples
 parents,
partner
Fix the agreement mistake
partners
show examples
 etc. Usually, these types of
people
 spend
money
 easily, they can buy expensive clothes, every day
eat
Correct word choice
and eat
show examples
 in restaurants, but it does not mean
a
Remove the article
apply
show examples
success
, it means, that they are just rich.
In contrast
of
Change preposition
to
show examples
 wealth, thoughts, plans and
behavior
Change the spelling
behaviour
show examples
 or
his
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
relationships are
another criterion
Fix the agreement mistake
other criteria
show examples
 of how to say whether a man is successful or not.
Successful
Add an article
A successful
show examples
 person always builds plans, he thinks strategically,
he
Correct word choice
and he
show examples
 will never spend a big amount on a t-shirt from
luxury
Add an article
a luxury
the luxury
show examples
 brand, as it is just a waste of
money
. On the one hand, there are a lot of famous persons how
such
 especially media personalities who
are
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
usually wear very expensive clothes, drive fast cars etc. They earn every cent by themselves,
they
Correct word choice
and they
show examples
 are
Add an article
a success
show examples
success
Replace the word
successful
show examples
 but
how
Correct word choice
as
show examples
 I have already said they are media personalities,
they
Correct word choice
and they
show examples
 ought to live
such
Change preposition
in such
show examples
way
Correct article usage
a way
show examples
 to warm up
interest
Correct article usage
the interest
show examples
 of followers and earn even more
money
.
On the other hand
, the founder of Microsoft, always dresses casually, he is almost the richest man on earth, but he doesn't show it.
instead
, he does good things
such
 as philanthropy, hospital funding, and more. He
also
 thinks about the future of our planet and in my opinion all successful
people
Add the comma(s)
, first of all,
show examples
first
 of all
thinks
Change the verb form
think
show examples
 not only about themselves.
Success
 equals
money
, but
money
 does not equal
success
.
Submitted by maxim_shishkin on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: