IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

Is it good for children to start using computers from an early age and spend long hours on them? Discuss the advantages and disadvantages.

#children #computers #age #hours
In recent years, many people
use
 a
computer
Fix the agreement mistake
computers
show examples
for
Change preposition
in
show examples
the
Change the word
their
show examples
 daily life. Secondary school teach the
children
 how to
use
 a
computer
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
 their daily lessons within an approved education
programm
Correct your spelling
programme
program
. I discuss
advantages
Correct article usage
the advantages
show examples
 and disadvantages of long hour
computer
 usage at
early
Add an article
an early
show examples
 age. In
this
 modern world, many
children
use
 computers for games and electrical devices
such
 as
smartphone
Fix the agreement mistake
smartphones
show examples
, play
station
Fix the agreement mistake
stations
show examples
 etc beside their school.
For example
, the
children
 spend 2 hours at the school for learning
then
Correct word choice
and then
show examples
 continue to play games on
smart phones
Correct your spelling
smartphones
show examples
 and electrical devices
about
Change preposition
for about
show examples
 4 to 5 hours. They stay
half
Add a hyphen
half-day
show examples
day
Correct article usage
a day
show examples
 on
computer
Correct article usage
a computer
show examples
 desktop. The advantage is to learn quickly how to
use
 it,
keep
Correct word choice
and keep
show examples
same
Correct article usage
the same
show examples
 steps on technology. The physical activity time is going down and only
sit
Wrong verb form
sitting
show examples
 or
lay
Wrong verb form
lying
show examples
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
bed
Add an article
the bed
show examples
 for half day of every day to play games and
use
 social
Correct your spelling
media
show examples
medias
Correct your spelling
media
show examples
. But the child growing
is relied
Change to the active voice
relies
has relied
show examples
 on their physical activity and
demand
Correct article usage
the demand
show examples
 of
body
Add an article
the body
show examples
. So, there have some disadvantages to
decrease
Wrong verb form
decreasing
show examples
 physical activity, and it is affected to own body growth.
For example
, World Health Organization recommends that
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
adult have to walk at least 5000 steps
everyday
Change preposition
in everyday
show examples
 life.
Therefore
, the
children
 need to walk more steps than the adult because there are growing fast and future of our
next
 generation.
Sum
Fix the infinitive
To sum
show examples
 up, the child needs to learn technology adapted
on
Change preposition
to
show examples
 their living stages and spend an appropriate time on
computer
 usage
beside
Correct your spelling
besides
show examples
keep
Change the verb form
keeping
show examples
 a fit and healthy lifestyle.
Therefore
, I recommend keeping a balance
of
Change preposition
between
show examples
computer
 and technology usage and
spend
Wrong verb form
spending
show examples
 more time
on
Change preposition
apply
show examples
outside
playground
Correct article usage
the playground
show examples
.
Submitted by onon550 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: