IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

Nowadays more and more young people hold important positions in the government. Some people think that is a good thing while others argue that it is not suitable. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

#people #positions #government
Over the past decades, the affairs of running a nation were considered a thing for the older age, today the trend is that an increasing number of young adults are assuming governmental positions.
While
 most individuals believe it ought not to be, many others are of the opinion that
this
 is a welcomed practice. In my opinion, leadership is better in the hands of
a
Correct article usage
the
show examples
 young. On the one hand, some people believe that the younger generation rules a state better and I agree.
This
 is because they are vibrant and energetic. These groups of people are full of energy they have what it takes to see to it that rules and regulations are kept by the citizens because they have the energy to move around the community and different times, making sure that things are being done properly.
Furthermore
, these adults are full of ideas and are compliant with the fast-moving trend of technology.
For example
, they are called the computer generation and apar with the newest computer technologies which are necessary for a country's growth.
On the other hand
, it is often thought that leadership positions are not to be occupied by the youngsters. Leadership roles require experience and
this
 is one important quality most of them do not possess as experience comes with increased age.
For instance
, a community which is ruled by a much older group usually
tolls
Verb problem
takes
show examples
 the part of dialogue over war. Another reason why young adults may not be a better choice is that they make hasty decisions which they begin to regret after a
while
 because most of them are zealous they tend to jump to immediate conclusions on matters and
this
 may endanger the life of their citizens. In conclusion,
while
 people may vary in their opinion, I think that young stars
are
Verb problem
have
show examples
 a better chance to succeed in holding crucial positions in the government.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence cohesion
The essay does not follow a well-structured format; it lacks a clear introduction and conclusion. The main points are not consistently developed throughout the essay. Consider using clear topic sentences and supporting each main point with detailed explanations and relevant examples.
task response
The essay partly addresses the task but fails to provide a balanced argument. There is a lack of clarity in presenting comprehensive ideas and providing relevant specific examples. Ensure to present both views objectively and support each with strong arguments and evidence. Be mindful of the word choice and expression of ideas.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: