IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5.5

It is more important for schoolchildren to learn about local history than world history. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#schoolchildren #history #world
A group of
people
 assert that pupils should be taught
history
 predominantly about their place of residence rather than the global one.
While
 it is an interesting proposal and has some merit, my own view is that it would be beneficial for schoolers to acquire
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
knowledge of the
history
 of our
world
 as well.
Firstly
, the idea of becoming acquainted with only the
history
 of one particular nation seems outdated to me. Many
people
 claim that knowing the
history
 of your own
county
Correct your spelling
country
show examples
 is enough,
however
, from my point of view, it could be true decades ago when
people
 built relationships mostly within the same area.
Nonetheless
, in the modern globalized
world
,
people
 tend to make connections with
people
 of different nationalities.
Therefore
, with increasing interest in global marketing and business, it has become essential to learn about other countries' historical events and cultures. To give an illustration, nowadays, many universities all over the
world
 provide
such
 educational programs as International Business and International Trade that attract thousands of students
Change preposition
from around
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around
Change preposition
from around
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 the globe.
Not to mention
,
world
-historical events broaden students' minds
as well as
 provide them with more examples that illustrate consequences that appear
as a result
 of a choice.
History
 teaches us to shape our thoughts in a more rational and analytical way. When we are able to compare the inner
history
 with the context of what happened in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
other countries at the same time period, we develop our
brain
Fix the agreement mistake
brains
show examples
 to build complex connections and notice important conclusions. As an example, students of
a
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school-age
Correct your spelling
school age
show examples
 might learn that if the idea of a superior nation had not been spread in Germany in the twentieth century, there could have been fewer prerequisites to
World
 War Two that affected almost all
our
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of our
show examples
 globe. In conclusion, despite the fact that teaching the
history
 of the nation is more essential for many, my own personal view is that global
history
 is not to be underestimated, since it is a part of our modern life
as well as
 the source to acquire more important information.
Submitted by bezfomilevna1 on

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task response
Your response is well-organized and you have addressed the topic effectively. You have covered both the agreement/disagreement aspects and provided clear reasons to support your position. Ensure that you focus on directly answering the question at all times.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a logical structure with a clear introduction and conclusion. Your ideas are well-connected, and you have used appropriate linking words. Make sure to vary the use of linking words and sentence structures to enhance coherence and cohesion.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

Learn how to write high-scoring essays with powerful words.
Download Free PDF and start improving you writing skills today!
Topic Vocabulary:
  • heritage
  • cultural identity
  • ancestry
  • traditions
  • globalization
  • empathy
  • contemporary issues
  • integrate
  • perspective
  • civilization
  • diversity
  • innovations
  • historical significance
  • nationalism
  • cosmopolitanism
  • historiography
  • geopolitical
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