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Writing Samples
Band 5

Many people today do not feel safe either at home or when they are out. What are the causes? What are the solutions?

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Nowadays, many
people
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 are worried about their
safety
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 in both their houses and outer spaces. In
this
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 essay, I will explore the roots of
this
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 common concern and propose relative possible solutions.
To begin
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 with causes, the main reason why
people
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 feel unsafe in their homes can be the recent massive house destruction in some
areas
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 around the world, resulting from severe natural disasters
such
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 as extremely fast storms. The most prominent examples of these catastrophes were witnessed in some regions in the US after brutal tornadoes which caused numerous fatalities and completely destroyed existing homes in these
areas
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.
Consequently
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, some reports claimed that
people
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's sense of
safety
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 has decreased dramatically in
areas
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 with similar climates. Another root of the issue is set to be air pollution, especially in overcrowded cities like Los Angeles in the US which can raise concerns about heart-related diseases. Some medical
researches
Fix the agreement mistake
research
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show
Correct subject-verb agreement
shows
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 that the rate of cardiovascular diseases resulting from detrimental fumes has increased in recent years, especially among vulnerable groups including children and the elderly.
Thus
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, it seems quite natural for
people
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 to be worried about their health conditions. Turning
two
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to two
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 possible solutions, for house demolition, the most effective remedy would be sustainable development. To elaborate,
besides
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 selecting suitable sites for
further
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 housing constructions, which are away from
areas
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 prone to environmental hazards, home-builders should respect all
safety
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 measures related to home building. Had not been for the selection of appropriate fields for housing development, some communities would not have experienced dramatic bereavement and gotten their shelter wiped out and the fear of
such
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 sadness would not have been disseminated to other
areas
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. Regarding air pollution, the problem would probably be mitigated by replacing fossil fuels with renewable energy, the recent epitome of which is hybrid and electric cars which are said to have decreased air pollution noticeably in some European cities. Given that, the general public, especially susceptible groups would not be concerned about their health. In conclusion,
people
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's worries about their
safety
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 in their houses and outdoor environments mainly stem from the unstable physical status of their houses and polluted open spaces.
However
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, these issues can be dealt with by more resilient construction and the replacement of green energy.

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Task Achievement
The logical structure of the essay needs improvement to enhance coherence and clarity. The essay lacks specific and relevant examples to support the main points effectively. The introduction and conclusion are present and adequately address the task, but the discussion lacks depth and thoroughness. More comprehensive ideas and supporting details are needed to improve task achievement.
Coherence and Cohesion
The essay demonstrates a basic level of coherence and cohesion. However, the logical structure of the response is somewhat unclear, affecting the overall flow of the essay. The ideas are presented in a somewhat disjointed manner, and connections between sentences and paragraphs could be strengthened to improve coherence and cohesion.
Lexical Resource
The essay exhibits a limited range of vocabulary and lacks depth in the choice of language. Use of more precise and advanced vocabulary, as well as varied sentence structures, would enhance the lexical resource of the essay.
Grammatical Range
There are several grammatical errors and awkward phrasings throughout the essay. The range of sentence structures is limited, and there is a lack of complexity in the use of grammar. Paying more attention to sentence structure and grammar will improve the grammatical range of the essay.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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