Television, newspaper, magazines, and other media pay too much attention to the personal lives of famous people such as public figures and celebrities. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant example from your own knowledge or experience.

#television #newspaper #magazines #media #attention #lives #people #figures #celebrities

Recently, there have been tons of show programmes delivering entertainers' everyday

lives

. Some consume these programmes without any thoughts,

while

others are concerned about issues that could be prompted by the focused interest in

celebrities

lives

. I totally agree with the latter argument.

This

essay will demonstrate why I believe the statement. First of all, the public can be depressed by comparing their

lives

with those of famous figures.

For instance

, as the Korean parenting reality programme that shows how actors raise their children became popular, many parents in Korea felt guilty with their children that they could not support their kids

as well as

the actors do. Admittedly, individuals can get some tips to care

their

Change preposition

for their

show examples

children through the programme,

however

, it is not the only source to get them. The excessive exposal of entertainers' personal

lives

can make individuals dissatisfied with their current states, which can cause social inequality.

In addition

celebrities

who present their private

lives

through various media can be potential victims of a serious crime.

For example

, some idols who introduced their house to fans through social media suffered from stalking crimes. With the rapid advancement of information technology, everything in their private area

that is

viewed through media can be a trigger of unexpected dangerous situations.

Therefore

, producers should keep that in mind when picturing entertainers' private

lives

To conclude

, too much highlight on

celebrities

' personal

lives

can cause problems for both viewers and

celebrities

. Since

this

can cause damage to

individual

Fix the agreement mistake

individuals

show examples

and society

wise

Correct word choice

apply

show examples

, It is necessary to seek balance when presenting famous figures'

lives

Submitted by ywb516 on Mon Jan 15 2024

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task achievement

While you have introduced the essay with a clear opinion and concluded your argument, your ideas could benefit from deeper analysis and further development. Additionally, try to ensure that your introduction and conclusion accurately reflect the content of your main body paragraphs.

coherence cohesion

Your essay displays a level of logical structuring, with paragraphs dedicated to different ideas. However, work on linking these ideas more clearly and cohesively. Transition phrases and a clearer overarching argument would enhance the flow of the essay.

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10Linking words
meeting the goal of 7 or more
2Word repetition
meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Grammar mistakes
 

4 paragraphs

262 words

6.00

Overall Band Score

Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0

Logical structure

Introduction & conclusion present

Supported main points

Accurate linking words

Variety in linking words

Lexical resource: 6.0

Varied vocabulary

Accurate spelling & word formation

Grammatical Range: 6.0

Mix of complex & simple sentences

Clear and correct grammar

Task Achievement: 5.0

Complete response

Clear & comprehensive ideas

Relevant & specific examples

Appropriate word count

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