Television, newspaper, magazines, and other media pay too much attention to the personal lives of famous people such as public figures and celebrities. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant example from your own knowledge or experience.

Recently, there have been tons of show programmes delivering entertainers' everyday
. Some consume these programmes without any thoughts,
others are concerned about issues that could be prompted by the focused interest in
. I totally agree with the latter argument.
essay will demonstrate why I believe the statement. First of all, the public can be depressed by comparing their
with those of famous figures.
For instance
, as the Korean parenting reality programme that shows how actors raise their children became popular, many parents in Korea felt guilty with their children that they could not support their kids
as well as
the actors do. Admittedly, individuals can get some tips to care
Change preposition
for their
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children through the programme,
, it is not the only source to get them. The excessive exposal of entertainers' personal
can make individuals dissatisfied with their current states, which can cause social inequality.
In addition
who present their private
through various media can be potential victims of a serious crime.
For example
, some idols who introduced their house to fans through social media suffered from stalking crimes. With the rapid advancement of information technology, everything in their private area
that is
viewed through media can be a trigger of unexpected dangerous situations.
, producers should keep that in mind when picturing entertainers' private
To conclude
, too much highlight on
' personal
can cause problems for both viewers and
. Since
can cause damage to
Fix the agreement mistake
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and society
Correct word choice
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, It is necessary to seek balance when presenting famous figures'
Submitted by ywb516 on

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task achievement
While you have introduced the essay with a clear opinion and concluded your argument, your ideas could benefit from deeper analysis and further development. Additionally, try to ensure that your introduction and conclusion accurately reflect the content of your main body paragraphs.
coherence cohesion
Your essay displays a level of logical structuring, with paragraphs dedicated to different ideas. However, work on linking these ideas more clearly and cohesively. Transition phrases and a clearer overarching argument would enhance the flow of the essay.
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