IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Many doctors recommend that older people exercise regularly, but most patients do not follow an exercise routine. Why do you think this happens? How can people be encouraged to exercise regularly?

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It is undeniable that health
issue
Fix the agreement mistake
issues
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has
Correct subject-verb agreement
have
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 become a serious concern around the world. Serenity lifestyle plays a crucial role in the growing number of diseases in all people, especially the elderly.
Although
Linking Words
doing
Unnecessary verb
apply
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regular exercise is prescribed by a large number of experts, the majority of the older population avoids
following
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this
Linking Words
 recommendation.
This
Linking Words
 essay will describe the reasons and possible solutions to tackle
this
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 issue. As far as the causes are concerned,
it is clear that
Linking Words
 the city lifestyle is the most prominent factor, preventing the elderly from exercising. I mean, since, nowadays, the urban environment is going to become more and more polluted, outdoor activities are more likely to be a health hazard.
For example
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, it is forbidden for many older residents with heart and respiratory diseases to go out of their homes in Tehran whenever the smog level is high.
Moreover
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, there many older individuals might have no access to sports facilities or suitable areas.
In other words
Linking Words
,
due to
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 the development and construction of
building
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buildings
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 in cities, like Tehran, there is less chance to find green places for doing exercise. Regarding the solutions, governments and citizens will be able to overcome relatively the obstacles, if they
collaborated
Wrong verb form
collaborate
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. First of all, a considerable proportion of the community might be persuaded to apply public transportation if governments provided and developed efficient modes of transport, which, in turn, lead to better air conditions for outdoor sports.
In addition
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, expanding and supplying convenient, appropriate, and accessible parks and sports facilities would presumably encourage the early to go to
such
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 locations to exercise. In conclusion, it is inevitable that unavailable sites and equipment and hazardous air
condition
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conditions
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 might be preventable factors of working out,
although
Linking Words
 it appears that citizens and governments could fairly deal with the phenomenon by cooperating.

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task achievement
The introduction provides a clear overview of the topic and outlines the essay structure well. However, refining the wording (e.g., changing 'serenity lifestyle' to 'sedentary lifestyle') could improve clarity.
coherence and cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph clearly connects back to the main question. For instance, when discussing the reasons, explicitly link them to why the elderly do not exercise as recommended.
task achievement
Consider providing more specific examples or data to support your points, especially in the solution section where practical measures are proposed.
coherence and cohesion
Making explicit connections between ideas in each paragraph will enhance coherence. Use transition phrases to better guide the reader through your arguments.
coherence and cohesion
The essay demonstrates a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs discussing causes and solutions, and a conclusion.
task achievement
You have addressed the task effectively, noting both the reasons for lack of exercise among the elderly and potential solutions, which is commendable.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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