IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Society is becoming obsessed with material goods like fast cars,designer clothes and flashy jewellery. We have stopped caring about the important things and that is why divorce rates are high and family bonds are not as strong anymore;our value system is disintegrating.To what extend do you agree or disagree

#society #goods #cars #designer #clothes #jewellery #divorce #rates #bonds #value #system
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Nowadays,
attention
Use synonyms
 to material issues
such
Linking Words
 as supplying luxury goods is more important than considering relationships and efforts to help each other.
Therefore
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 new conditions have arisen which have an effect on all aspects of our lives. In my opinion, I affirm that too much
attention
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 to material things prevents you from paying
attention
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 to other important matters of life. Let us discuss
this
Linking Words
 in detail in the subsequent paragraphs.
To begin
Linking Words
 with, for some
reasons
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reasons,
show examples
 consumerism is promoted, first of all, there are various products with variations in shape, colour, quality and even in price. So, all producers encourage people for more
consum
Correct your spelling
consumers
. Another reason is the social gap and differences in paying ability among people,
such
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 that most
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
rich individuals tend to show off
the
Change the word
their
show examples
 situation they like to show themselves as wealthy with expensive goods
such
Linking Words
 as cars, clothes and so on. In fact, they just
have
Verb problem
apply
show examples
concerned about their appearance
instead
Linking Words
 of other mental issues.
In addition
Linking Words
, virtual space has a great impact on intensifying
this
Linking Words
 bad habit. They prefer to spend more
time
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 on social media
instead
Linking Words
 of being in touch with their family and friends.
On the other hand
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, simultaneously with more
attention
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 to material things,
attention
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 to spirituality among individuals has decreased significantly. Because a person with limited
time
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 when spending their
time
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 and energy on another issue can not provide enough
time
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 for their family,friends and even their wife or husband
as a result
Linking Words
, they are far from each other. In conclusion, I completely agree with
this
Linking Words
 statement , paying
attention
Use synonyms
 to material issues and effort to get them may lead to numerous problems
such
Linking Words
 as poor relationships and even getting divorced . Because people do not have any practice in loving and caring.
Submitted by salehi19862 on

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task response
The essay provides some relevant points but does not fully address the task question and lacks clear comprehensive ideas. More specific examples and details are needed to support the main points.
coherence and cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are present, but the essay lacks clear logical structure in linking ideas. More cohesive devices and logical sequencing are needed for better coherence and cohesion.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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