IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

it is unaccepted that people who work in certain professions e.g finance, media,entertainmentand sports are paid high salaries while the others, who do more important jobs in society are underpaid. to what extent do you agree or disagree?

It is true that
people
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 working in the
entertainment
Use synonyms
 industry, media and sports are paid higher compared to
people
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 who do more important jobs as
people
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 working in the medical field, economists and others. In my point of view, both
people
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 working in the
entertainment
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 or medical field should receive equal
payments
Replace the word
pay
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.
This
Linking Words
 essay will shed some light on the reasons why.
Firstly
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, artists and
greater
Correct word choice
great
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 sportsmen are an asset to the country as they represent the country globally. It is true that world-renowned artists
such
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 as Rowan Atkinson, Jhony Deep or sportsmen as Ronaldo are paid millions of dollars for an episode or a tournament
but
Punctuation problem
, but
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 in
,
Punctuation problem
apply
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return the government can collect a substantial amount of tax.
Moreover
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, entering
to
Change preposition
apply
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the main
entertainment
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 industries
such
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 as Hollywood or Bollywood is not easy. The actors or actresses undergo several years of training and hard
work
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 to get signed
to
Change preposition
for
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 a major role.
Similarly
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, to enter
into
Change preposition
apply
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the national
team
Punctuation problem
team,
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 they undergo training for years.
Thus
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,
are
Correct pronoun usage
they are
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 paid a higher salary to keep them in the industry.
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on
Fix capitalization
On
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 the other hand, the government should pay more attention to community
working
Replace the word
workers
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 in other fields
such
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 as surgeons, economists and
cadre
Fix the agreement mistake
cadres
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. Surgeons spend about seven years to become one
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Punctuation problem
; however
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however
Punctuation problem
however,
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 their salary is comparatively low. Doctors and nurses
work
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 extra long hours
but
Punctuation problem
, but
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 their
salary
Fix the agreement mistake
salaries
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is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
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 comparatively
less
Correct word choice
lower
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.
Similarly
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, teachers are paid a lower in compared to the
work
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 they do. Teachers have to
work
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 a minimum of six hours at school
and
Punctuation problem
, and
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 they
also
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 spend extra time checking pupils' homework.
However
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, they receive a bare minimum
and
Punctuation problem
, and
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 in order for them to earn
more
Punctuation problem
more,
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 they have to do extra classes.
in
Fix capitalization
In
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 conclusion, it is true that
people
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 in the
entertainment
Use synonyms
 industry, sports and other fields are paid more than surgeons or teachers. I believe that all the
people
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 who perform an important job in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society should be paid equally.

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task achievement
Make sure your introduction clearly states your opinion regarding the topic. It's important that the reader knows your position right away.
coherence cohesion
Enhance the logical flow of your ideas. You might want to use more linking words and phrases to connect your thoughts more clearly.
task achievement
Support your main points with specific examples. For instance, you can mention specific cases of underpaid professions and their impact on society.
task achievement
You raised important points about the pay disparity in different professions, which is a relevant and engaging topic.
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