IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 7.5

Some people think the government should spend more money on public services rather than waste money on arts (i.e. music and painting). To what extent do you agree or disagree

#people #government #money #services #waste #arts #e #music
Few Individuals believe that authorities should allocate more budget to improving public services.
However
, spending public funds on the arts. I totally agree with
this
 statement as
education
 and
infrastructure
 are equally important
as well as
 providing
food
 and clean water should be the first priority for them. To commence with, promoting arts is
also
 equally essential to people. To explicate, If folks need to know about their culture and traditions they won't be able to see it as a lack of government interest .
Moreover
, the citizens of every nation have a right to know about the culture and to explore their areas of interest.
On the contrary
, the Authority should invest more in public sectors
such
 as
education
 and
infrastructure
.
In other words
, focusing on those two things is our future, without
education
, humans will not be able to perform extraordinary things. To
further
 illustrate, a survey conducted by NASA a renowned space agency indicates that focusing on developing
infrastructure
 and providing essential
education
 is more important than giving a budget for music and films.
Furthermore
, In many nations, a huge amount of people do not have clean water or enough
food
. To explain, there are so many countries that do not have basic needs to provide for their citizens, and
due to
 that they should fix those issues first.
For Instance
, recently I read an article about poverty in many African nations, In which they explain how
food
 and a roof over a family's head are essential
Instead
 of promoting music and paintings and many African nations do not have them.
To conclude
,
although
 folks will be able to explore their culture
while
 following arts and painting, yet I believe that allocating more budget to improve the quality of
education
 and
infrastructure
as well as
 providing
food
 and clean water should be the first priority by any government.
Submitted by birenp046 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence cohesion
Ensure all sentences in the introduction are clear and form a complete statement. Currently, the second sentence is a fragment and should be joined with the first to improve clarity.
coherence cohesion
Expand the conclusion to summarize the main points more effectively, ensuring it ties back clearly to the introduction and main body of the essay.
task achievement
Provide a bit more depth to each argument with additional specific examples or elaboration to improve the overall comprehensiveness of your ideas.
coherence cohesion
Your essay presents a clear structure with a logical flow from one point to another, which aids in readability and understanding.
task achievement
The arguments about education, infrastructure, and basic needs are pertinent and well-chosen to support your viewpoint.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: