IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 6

Some people believe that children of all ages should have extra responsibilities (for example, helping at home or at work). Others believe that children should be free to enjoy their life. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

#people #children #ages #responsibilities #home #work #life
People have different views on whether all
children
 ought to take responsibility for helping their families or enjoy their life as much as they want.
While
 they may be satisfied by the freedom that they could have, in my opinion,
children
 must help their families to learn how to be more independent in their future. On the one hand, the freedom that
children
 have may help them to enjoy their time like playing video games that may waste their time by playing long hours without almost any benefits.
Also
, they might be too lazy to not take any responsibilities in their adulthood.
For example
, playing video games might be joyful when they are teens and parents may underestimate
this
 kind of entertainment, but it causes many effects on their
children
's personalities
such
 as not being punctuated or being addicted to playing more and more, so
children
 will be forced on selecting video games as priorities on many situations
such
 as doing their assignments or cleaning their rooms. On the other side of the coin, I believe that having extra responsibilities will have a positive effect not only on
children
's personalities but
also
 on their independence. If parents persuade their
children
 to do some home-work activities
such
 as going shopping that might help
children
 learn to interact with communities, and
as a result
, their personalities may grow.
In addition
,
children
 can be engaged in other tasks like repairing small things
such
 as assembling a chair or mowing the lawn, so they are able to fix them step by step.
Consequently
, they are likely to be more independent by doing small duties. In conclusion, it might bring satisfaction for
children
 when they live on their own,
whereas
 being independent may give them an eternity joyful.
Submitted by sarmastsobhan1994 on

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coherence cohesion
The essay is somewhat organized, but the logical structure could be vastly improved by clearly delineating paragraphs and using a variety of linking words and phrases to better connect ideas.
coherence cohesion
Introduction and conclusion are presented but they lack a clear thesis statement and summarizing final thoughts. Ensure that the essay begins with a clear opinion or question and ends with a summary of the main points and a reiteration of your stance.
coherence cohesion
You have attempted to support main points but the examples and explanations are somewhat vague or ineffective. Aim to develop each main point with a clear, specific, and detailed example that directly supports your argument.
task achievement
While there is an attempt to address the task, the response is underdeveloped and fails to fully explore the complexities of the topic. You should focus on fully answering all parts of the prompt in a detailed manner.
task achievement
Your ideas are understandable but lack depth and comprehensive development. Take more time to expand on your ideas, explaining and exploring each point thoroughly.
task achievement
The essay would benefit from more specific and relevant examples to illustrate your arguments. Avoid general statements and provide concrete evidence or scenarios to reinforce your points.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • Responsibilities
  • Essential life skills
  • Fosters
  • Discipline
  • Shared tasks
  • Mental and emotional development
  • Overburdening
  • Childhood innocence
  • Extracurricular activities
  • Balanced approach
  • Child's capabilities
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