Some people believe that the government should take care of old people and provide financial support after they retire. Others say individuals should save during their working years to fund their own retirement. What is your opinion?

Many people work for parliament for their whole life
such
as banks and lawyers etc.
Thus
, they believe that the government should look after them once they retire since they have worked as normal citizens.
While
others think that it is the worker's responsibility to care about their own future.So,they should save cash when they are capable of earning.I will discuss my opinion in the next paragraphs. Most of the people who contribute to society have professions like soldiers and sportsmen.
Moreover
,there are many circumstances when they have to risk their lives for the nation and civilization.So,it is the government's duty to look after them once they retire by giving them a pension of
certain
Correct article usage
a certain
show examples
amounts
Fix the agreement mistake
amount
show examples
of wage. Because they will not be able to save capital by working on the country's border.
For instance
, there may be some injuries that can result from not earning payment.
However
, in other professions where one does not need to risk his life namely doctor and teacher,
should
Correct pronoun usage
one should
show examples
take responsibility for his own future by saving funds in his working life
instead
of having bad habits to follow ,
for example
, drinking alcohol and smoking.authorities should not look after them without any special situations.
Besides
, higher-ups should encourage young ones to save funds. ,
also
they could hold conventions for their minor employees.
To sum up
,
Although
it is necessary to care for
old
Correct your spelling
older
show examples
generations by giving them a pension for their contributions.
but
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
this
should be considered by authorities per person's job risk and opportunities of saving funds
with
Change preposition
while
show examples
keeping people’s behaviour in mind before giving them loans and pension since one should be responsible for his own future.

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task response
Provide clearer examples and reasoning to support your points
coherence cohesion
Ensure consistent and logical flow of ideas between paragraphs

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • financial support
  • retirement
  • government intervention
  • contribute to society
  • financial independence
  • safety net
  • personal responsibility
  • self-reliance
  • financial education
  • incentives
  • individual circumstances
  • sustainable
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