Some people believe that the government should take care of old people and provide financial support after they retire. Others say individuals should save during their working years to fund their own retirement. What is your opinion?
Many people work for parliament for their whole life
such
as banks and lawyers etc. Linking Words
Thus
, they believe that the government should look after them once they retire since they have worked as normal citizens. Linking Words
While
others think that it is the worker's responsibility to care about their own future.So,they should save cash when they are capable of earning.I will discuss my opinion in the next paragraphs.
Most of the people who contribute to society have professions like soldiers and sportsmen.Linking Words
Moreover
,there are many circumstances when they have to risk their lives for the nation and civilization.So,it is the government's duty to look after them once they retire by giving them a pension of Linking Words
certain
Correct article usage
a certain
amounts
of wage. Because they will not be able to save capital by working on the country's border.Fix the agreement mistake
amount
For instance
, there may be some injuries that can result from not earning payment.
Linking Words
However
, in other professions where one does not need to risk his life namely doctor and teacher, Linking Words
should
take responsibility for his own future by saving funds in his working life Correct pronoun usage
one should
instead
of having bad habits to follow ,Linking Words
for example
, drinking alcohol and smoking.authorities should not look after them without any special situations.Linking Words
Besides
, higher-ups should encourage young ones to save funds. ,Linking Words
also
they could hold conventions for their minor employees.
Linking Words
To sum up
,Linking Words
Although
it is necessary to care for Linking Words
old
generations by giving them a pension for their contributions.Correct your spelling
older
but
Correct word choice
apply
this
should be considered by authorities per person's job risk and opportunities of saving funds Linking Words
with
keeping people’s behaviour in mind before giving them loans and pension since one should be responsible for his own future.Change preposition
while
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task response
Provide clearer examples and reasoning to support your points
coherence cohesion
Ensure consistent and logical flow of ideas between paragraphs