IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Some children spend hours every day on their smartphones. Why is this the case? Do you think this is a positive or negative development?

#children #hours #smartphones #case #development
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Cellular
phones
Use synonyms
 have become one of
necessities
Add an article
the necessities
show examples
of
Change preposition
in
show examples
 our daily lives. Some
the
Change preposition
of the
show examples
 young spend
their
Change the word
the
show examples
 majority
Use synonyms
time
Change preposition
of time
show examples
 on their
phones
Use synonyms
 each day. In
this
Linking Words
 essay, I will examine why
this
Linking Words
 is
happened
Wrong verb form
happening
show examples
 and how it can impact our
healthy
Replace the word
health
show examples
 negatively. The reason why
children
Use synonyms
using
Wrong verb form
use
show examples
phones
Use synonyms
 longer is due to attractive
games
Use synonyms
.
This
Linking Words
 is because they are more attractive than outdoor activities which need more energy. In Japan,
for example
Linking Words
, the most popular extra-curriculum activity among elementary school students is playing
phone
Use synonyms
games
Use synonyms
 together
instead
Linking Words
 of ball exercises or instruments.
As a result
Linking Words
 of focusing on
Add an article
the game
a game
show examples
game
Fix the agreement mistake
games
show examples
 only, they may receive a low grade
from
Change preposition
in
show examples
 school
works
Fix the agreement mistake
work
show examples
 due to a lack of study. It can be seen that playing
games
Use synonyms
from
Change preposition
on
show examples
Use synonyms
phone
Add an article
the phone
a phone
show examples
is
Change the verb form
are
show examples
 a
Use synonyms
time consuming
Add a hyphen
time-consuming
show examples
 thing. Since
children
Use synonyms
 pay more attention
on
Change the preposition
to
show examples
 their
phones
Use synonyms
, it may have
some
Correct determiner usage
a
show examples
 negative impact on their health.
This
Linking Words
 means they stay at home for a long
time
Use synonyms
 without enough exercise, so it is easy to accumulate body fat and develop obesity. In the USA,
for instance
Linking Words
, parents notice when their
children
Use synonyms
 spend more
time
Use synonyms
 on
phone
Use synonyms
games
Use synonyms
, their weight
increase
Fix the agreement mistake
increases
show examples
 dramatically. If a child has a high level of fat in the body, he or she has
higher
Correct article usage
a higher
show examples
 risk to suffer from hypertension and cardiovascular diseases. The longer
time
Use synonyms
children
Use synonyms
 spend on
Use synonyms
Add an article
the phone
a phone
show examples
phone
Fix the agreement mistake
phones
show examples
, the higher rate of obesity they may have. In
conclude
Replace the word
conclusion
show examples
,
Use synonyms
phone
Add an article
the phone
show examples
 is one of
necessary
Add an article
the necessary
show examples
 items in modern life
while
Correct word choice
but
show examples
 it can cause a negative influence on
children
Use synonyms
. In my opinion, spending enormous
time
Use synonyms
 on
Use synonyms
phone
Add an article
the phone
show examples
 not only
get
Correct subject-verb agreement
gets
show examples
 worse in terms of school exams
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 but
also
Linking Words
threaten
Correct subject-verb agreement
threatens
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
health.
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Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • smartphones
  • usage
  • technology
  • accessibility
  • convenience
  • entertainment
  • gaming
  • social media
  • communication
  • educational resources
  • addiction
  • dependence
  • negative effects
  • physical health
  • mental health
What to do next:
Look at other essays: