IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

Some people think women should be given equal chances to work and excel in their careers. Others believe that a women's role should be limited to taking care of the house and children. What opinion do you agree and why?

#people #women #chances #work #careers #role #care #house #children
People in the world today believe that
mothers
 have to stay at home, and I completely disagree with
this
. In
this
 essay, I will provide reasons to justify my argument.
To begin
 with, gender equity is a major point why
mothers
 should not always stay at home. Nowadays, more and more people have understood that both genders have the same rights,
in addition
, no one can stand on the sidelines because they have to take responsibility for their family. In fact, except
pregnancy
Change preposition
for pregnancy
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, men can carry on housework and look after
family
Add an article
the family
show examples
 as well.
Therefore
,
women
 are able to go outside and create their
career
Fix the agreement mistake
careers
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 if they would like to do
.
Rephrase
so.
show examples
 In Taiwan,
for example
, after confinement,
women
 are encouraged to go back to the workplace, and their husbands alternatively have a year of parental leave. Another reason
is
Unnecessary verb
apply
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that most countries have complete welfare, is that
mothers
 have a firm backing when they work. Governments have found that
women
 ought to have equal opportunity to develop their careers or experience leisure time,
thus
, they have provided excellent subsidies. After obtaining
this
 pay, stay-at-home
mothers
 may have an adequate budget to accomplish
vocation
Correct pronoun usage
their vocation
show examples
, meanwhile, they can let their family gain proper care during their work,
such
 as hiring a babysitter or caretaker.
A
Correct article usage
The
show examples
 rate of
two-paycheck
Add an article
the two-paycheck
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family
Fix the agreement mistake
families
show examples
 has had a remarkable rise in Taiwan
around
Change preposition
in
show examples
 recent years because of fruitful welfare,
women
are not necessarily be
Change the verb form
are not necessarily
show examples
 homemakers
as a result
. In conclusion,
although
 people deem a mother’s place as at home rather than at work, I do not agree with
this
 view.
Due to
 the fact that fair opportunity in gender
Add the comma(s)
, as well as welfare,
show examples
as well as
 welfare provide more possibilities for
women
 in modern society.
Submitted by tripwithyour on

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task response
Ensure that you fully address the prompt and provide a clear stance on the given topic.
coherence and cohesion
Improve the organization of ideas to ensure a smooth flow of information and clear connection between sentences and paragraphs.
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