IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 6

In some countries, there has been an increase in the number of advertisements which try to persuade children to buy snacks, toys, and other goods. Parents often claim that these ads are unfair. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

#countries #advertisements #children #snacks #toys #goods #parents #ads
These days there are a lot of attractive
advertisements
 that persuade
children
 to purchase some goods.
For
instance
Add a comma
,instance
show examples
 toy companies show their
products
Change the noun form
product
show examples
advertisements
 repeatedly on the TV show.
Children
 are easily get influenced
from
Change preposition
by
show examples
 these
ads
 and decide to buy that product even
they
Correct word choice
if they
show examples
 don’t need it. Some
parents
 want to
banned
Change the verb
ban
show examples
 these too
much
Correct quantifier usage
many
show examples
ads
, but I would keep
it
Correct pronoun usage
them
show examples
 for
children
 to learn how to buy
products
 properly.
To begin
 with,
parents
 say showing
advertisements
 are not fair for
children
 to make
decision
Add an article
the decision
a decision
show examples
 to buy a product because it is so attractive and using
phycological
Add an article
the phycological
a phycological
show examples
 methodology to keep thinking about the same product repeatedly.
For instance
 TV commercial shows catchy song and attractive
toys
 many times.
Children
 see the same commercial everywhere on the TV shows and even in shopping
centers
Change the spelling
centres
show examples
. So they always think about the same
products
that
is
Change the verb form
are
show examples
 what
marketing
Correct article usage
the marketing
show examples
 company intended
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
.
Children
 are not mature yet to judge what they really need to buy, so these
advertisements
 should have prohibited from our daily scenes.
Thus
, some
parents
 want to ban
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
too
much
Correct quantifier usage
many
show examples
advertisements
.
However
, I would like to say the increase in the number of
advertisements
are
Change the verb form
is
show examples
 not so bad because
children
 can learn from failures. In my case, I used to buy many
toys
 based on the
advertisements
 when I was young.
However
, I realized that buying
toys
 based on the
ads
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
show examples
 not
wise
Add an article
a wise
show examples
 way to make a decision because I don’t use that
toys
 after I played
Change preposition
with it
show examples
it
Correct pronoun usage
them
show examples
 once or twice.
Then
, I realized that people are using too
much
Change the quantifier
many
show examples
ads
 because these
products
 are not necessary for their lives.
Therefore
children
 can learn how to buy
products
 based on their experiences with
advertisements
. In conclusion,
children
 are easily get affected
from
Change preposition
by
show examples
 attractive
advertisements
 when they purchase some items, and some
parents
 want to prohibit these
ads
.
However
, I think these
ads
 can be a good practice for
children
 to make a good
decision
Fix the agreement mistake
decisions
show examples
 when they buy
a
Correct the article-noun agreement
products
a product
show examples
products
.
Submitted by tkasai0407 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: