IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 6

A government has a responsibility to its citizens to ensure their safety. Therefore, some people think that the government should increase spending on defence but spend less on social benefits. To what extent do you agree?

#government #responsibility #citizens #safety #people #defence
Recently, there are different types of crimes reported on TV
such
 as shooting
rampage
Fix the agreement mistake
rampages
show examples
 in the states. Some people argue that the authorities should invest more in law enforcement to ensure the
safety
 of their citizens rather than squandering money on social
benefits
. In my point of view, I totally disagree with
this
 assertion. I believe that the responsibility should be taken by not only the government but
also
 every member of
society
.
First
 of all, even though law enforcement agencies could act as a deterrent to the culprits, they can not be able to cover all types of crimes on time.
For example
, a documentary has reported that counterfeit cosmetics cause
a
Remove the article
apply
show examples
serious damage to the users but there
is
Change the verb form
are
show examples
 only two police officers dedicated to
address
Change the verb form
addressing
show examples
this
 problem. Rather than moving
Correct your spelling
money
moeny
Correct your spelling
money
 from other
Correct your spelling
critical
ciritical
Correct your spelling
critical
 sectors, it is more important and pressing to raise the public the awareness of counterfeit cosmetics.Thereby, it
also
 could have a beneficial impact on the
safety
 of
society
.
On the other hand
, social
benefits
 are essential and indispensable for a stable community.
For instance
, people
those
Correct pronoun usage
who
show examples
 do not have access to health care are unlikely to care for others. If resources of social
benefits
 were reduced, it might cause 
acute
Correct article usage
an acute
show examples
 shortage of health care. Even
the
Correct word choice
though the
show examples
safety
 of
society
 is high, people still suffer from physical ailments.
This
 could cause a detrimental impact on
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society
.
Therefore
, social
benefits
is
Change the verb form
are
show examples
 the cornerstone of
a
Remove the article
apply
show examples
society
. In conclusion, the government should not move
budget
Correct article usage
the budget
show examples
 from social
benefits
 to ensure
safety
 because social
benefits
 are the cornerstone of a stable
society
although
 societal
Correct your spelling
safety
saftey
Correct your spelling
safety
 is important.
Submitted by jessegush on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

Learn how to write high-scoring essays with powerful words.
Download Free PDF and start improving you writing skills today!
What to do next:
Look at other essays: