IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people think that a huge amont of time and money is spent on protection of wild animals, and that this money could be better spent on the human population. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

In many regions, people have a common belief that
invests
Correct subject-verb agreement
invest
show examples
 time and money to protect wild
animals
Use synonyms
. There are widely differing views on the issue of whether a greater amount of time and money should be spent on serving the human population. I totally agree with the notion of protecting wild
animals
Use synonyms
 and there are two principal reasons for
this
Linking Words
. One point
which
Correct word choice
that
show examples
 I believe to be pivotal is the indisputable fact that the
inseparable
Correct article usage
an inseparable
show examples
 relationship between the human race and wildlife. It means that if the
animals
Use synonyms
 of the forest are extinct, people will not get
food
Use synonyms
 for their sustenance.
In particular
Linking Words
, the common
food
Use synonyms
animals
Use synonyms
 that our public has every day are pork, beef, and chicken if they all die. It will lead to
matter
Verb problem
apply
show examples
humans
don’t
Verb problem
not
show examples
have
Wrong verb form
having
show examples
food
Use synonyms
 to live
.
Change preposition
on.
show examples
 The truth is that humans are threatened and worse effect on the
live
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
community if we don’t make
effort
Correct article usage
an effort
show examples
 to protect wild
animals
Use synonyms
 which means we try to kill ourselves by destroying Earth’s habitat. Yet, perhaps the strongest argument in favour of my optimism about
this
Linking Words
 topic is that biodiversity balance. As we witness, on
this
Linking Words
 planet humans and
animals
Use synonyms
 cannibalize each other to survive.
For example
Linking Words
, rabbits eat grass, and the fox eats the rabbit,
then
Linking Words
 the fox is killed by a lion, and
Linking Words
finally
Add a comma
finally,
show examples
 the lion
death
Replace the word
dies
show examples
 and
became
Wrong verb form
becomes
show examples
 grass, and the cycle
survives
Verb problem
apply
show examples
of
animals
Use synonyms
repeat
Correct subject-verb agreement
repeats
show examples
. If one of them has been extinct that will lead to disruption of the
food
Use synonyms
 chain. In
many
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
recent years, much information shows that the demise of thousands of species is increasing and pulling along the downward trend of extinction rate. In short, our
human
Fix the agreement mistake
humans
show examples
 must do now as soon as possible, make every effort to run many conversation projects, and the government need to create awareness among people who saving human beings.
To conclude
Linking Words
, I once again reiterate my position that our society has to fund our time and money to preserve wild
animals
Use synonyms
Linking Words
due
Change preposition
because
show examples
 to conservation of wild
animals
Use synonyms
 means we protect ourselves
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 and protect life, if one of them in the cycle has
bygone
Correct your spelling
gone
show examples
 that will lose the balancing eco-system.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
Make sure to clearly state your opinion in the introduction and conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
Try to use simpler and clearer sentences.
task achievement
Provide specific examples to support your points more.
coherence and cohesion
Organize your ideas in clear paragraphs with topic sentences.
task achievement
You made a clear argument for protecting wild animals.
task achievement
You identified important points about the food chain and biodiversity.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: