IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5.5

Childood obesity is an increasing problem in Australia as many as two thirds of children are now obese. Schools have a responsilbility to monitor what their students eat and the amount of exercise they do. To what extend do you agree to this statement?

#childood #obesity #australia #two #thirds #children #schools #responsilbility #students #amount #exercise
Obesity is undoubtedly increasing, nowadays, with a reported 66% of children in Australia
are
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
now overweight. People believe that
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 learning institutions must take action on what
foods
 are given to their students and incorporate physical activities within the campus. I totally agree with
this
 statement.
Firstly
, the school plays a pivotal role in the selection of nutritious
foods
 to be offered to their learners.
This
 could be done through
a
Remove the article
apply
show examples
more stringent supervision of their in-campus canteen on preparing snacks and meals for their students. A more variety of
foods
such
 as fruits and vegetables should be included
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
 the menu.
As a result
, children will be much exposed to healthier options
thus
 avoiding junk
foods
 which are definitely detrimental to their health and can ultimately cause them to become obese.
Furthermore
, campuses should promote health education to their learners.
This
 would be greatly beneficial in providing them
knowledge
Change preposition
with knowledge
show examples
 on healthy habits at a younger age.
Consequently
, when they reach the age of maturity, they will remember what was taught to them in school.
Moreover
, teachers should include as well exercises and physical activities in their institutions.
For example
, exercises early in the morning, before classes can be done before starting their classes as it is a great way to set their day and boost their mind and body.
Additionally
, they can have physical exercises by means of gardening plants, fruits and vegetables. In conclusion, teachers play an important role in the development of young children especially when it comes to their health.
Submitted by springwaltz92 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: