The growing number of overweight people is putting a strain on the health care system in an effort to deal with the health issues involved. Some people think that the best way to deal with this problem is to introduce more physical education lessons in the school curriculum. To what extent do you agree or disagree?
Obesity is a universal problem
especially
in children. Add the comma(s)
,especially
Therefore
, health
care system Correct article usage
the health
are
putting lots of effort Change the verb form
is
in
controlling children’s weight. They are trying to pass laws about helping Change preposition
into
education
system in controlling Correct article usage
the education
children
weight. One of these ideas is adding more physical Change noun form
children's
activities
in
the educational school curriculum. I believe Change preposition
to
this
idea
could be helpful.
Nowadays, overweigh
has many reasons but Scientists suggest that among all reasons Correct your spelling
overweight
about
obesity Change preposition
for
unhealthy
Correct article usage
an unhealthy
Correct your spelling
lifestyle
life style
is the Correct your spelling
lifestyle
important
one. They mention that overall more than 80 Correct quantifier usage
most important
percent
of overweight people can Change the spelling
per cent
loss
their extra weight by fundamental changing in their Replace the word
lose
life-style
like Correct your spelling
lifestyle
diet
and activities
regime. Moreover
, they suggest that these fundamental changes need to be acted Change preposition
on from
from
schools. Change preposition
in
Hence
, more physical activities
in the school curriculum could be very
helpful Add an article
a very
idea
.
On the other hand
, investing on
Change preposition
in
educating
Replace the word
education
physical
Correct word choice
and physical
activities
in schools could be helpful but not enough. Scientists discuss overweight as a multi-dimensional aspect. Therefore
, making any differences needs multi-dimensional efforts like more activities
, diet
changing, tuning sleeps regime and checking on some disease. Scientists held a
research on children Remove the article
apply
Japan
ten years ago, Change preposition
in Japan
they
changed the Correct word choice
and they
diet
and sleep time of 100 overweight students and after three month
, more than 30 Change to a plural noun
months
percent
of them reached appropriate BMI.
In conclusion, I totally agree with the Change the spelling
per cent
idea
of increasing activities
in school but I think it is not enough
sophisticated Correct article usage
a enough
idea
and many items like healthy
Correct article usage
a healthy
diet
should be added to the curriculum either.Submitted by TUTOO on
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Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
Linking words are very important in your essay.
To score effectively on your IELTS exam, you should make an effort to implement short concise sentences coupled with linking words.
Almost every sentence in your essay should have a linking word of some sort.
In fact, the only sentences that can omit linking words are your background sentence and thesis.
Linking word examples:
- firstly
- secondly
- thirdly
- in additional
- moreover
- also
- for example
- for instance
- therefore
- however
- although
- even though
- despite