IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 3.5

Nowadays, some children spend many hours every day using smartphones and other devices. The advantages of allowing children to own these devices outweigh the disadvantages? To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#children #hours #smartphones #devices
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There is no doubt that these days many cities are suffering from traffic, which is a modern issue. Traffic in the middle of cities is the most popular problem in a lot of cities. The question is, should the government prevent
cars
 in the
city
center
Change the spelling
centre
show examples
?
This
 essay will argue that governments ought to block
cars
 in the middle of the
city
 because the traffic will lead to many accidents that will damage people,shops, and animals. There are many solutions for
this
 issue one of the best
sloution
Correct your spelling
solutions
 is that
city
 planners can make room for alternate forms of transportation including walking, cycling, and public transportation by limiting access for private
cars
.
This
 change would improve the sustainability and environmental friendliness of
environment
Correct article usage
the environment
show examples
.
In addition
, banning private
cars
 could enhance road safety in
city
centers
Change the spelling
centres
show examples
. With fewer vehicles on the road, the risk of accidents and collisions decreases, making streets safer for pedestrians and cyclists.
This
, in turn, can promote a healthier and more active lifestyle among urban residents.
Moreover
, Some people argue that restricting private vehicle access might harm the economy.
City
centers
Change the spelling
centres
show examples
 are vital for businesses, which rely on private
cars
 to deliver goods and services. Banning private vehicles could negatively impact businesses,
lead
Correct word choice
and lead
show examples
 to potential job losses
due to
 disrupted commerce. In conclusion,
this
 essay has argued that governments should block
cars
 in the
city
 centre which lead to accidents, damage
environment
Correct article usage
the environment
show examples
 and, less the economy.
Submitted by mshal2547 on

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Task Achievement
The essay presents ideas that are somewhat relevant to the prompt, however, the response is incomplete as the question specifically asks about the use of smartphones and other devices by children, while the essay discusses traffic issues in city centers. Stay strictly on topic and ensure that each paragraph elaborately discusses a singular aspect of the question.
Coherence & Cohesion
The essay's structure shows an attempt at logical sequencing but there are issues with relevance and staying on topic. Start with an introduction that addresses the question directly, and develop main body paragraphs that each start with a clear topic sentence and are followed by supporting sentences that are related to the topic at hand.
Task Achievement
Main points are mentioned, such as road safety and economic impact, but no relevant specific examples are given to support the arguments, particularly ones that relate to the use of devices by children. Illustrative examples or data should be provided to strengthen the effectiveness of your arguments.
Task Achievement
There appears to be a misunderstanding of the given question which has led to the essay discussing a completely different topic. Focus on understanding the key words in the question to ensure that you are addressing the right issue. Your response should only feature content that is related to the advantages and disadvantages of children using smart devices.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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