The growing number of overweight people is putting a strain on the health care system in an effort to deal with the health issues involved. Some people think that the best way to deal with this problem is to introduce more physical education lessons in the school curriculum. To what extent do you agree or disagree?
Obesity is one of the major threats to individuals’ lives. It is believed that it can be avoided with an incline in the physical education programs at schools
while
others oppose with
the idea. I tend to agree because Change preposition
apply
sport
can benefit young people’s wellbeing and encourage them to keep it as a habit for so long.
First of all, bounding exercise
with scores at Fix the agreement mistake
exercises
school
can have devastating
influence on students’ outlook toward it. It is true that physical activities are crucial for every human Add an article
a devastating
beings
and it should not be counted as a Change to a singular noun
being
school
subject to simply pass. Adding more hours
of sport
to school
curriculum as a compulsory course would leave Add an article
the school
Correct article usage
a detriment
detriment
impression on students who are not talented in sports and have difficulties participating. Their bad performance may Replace the word
detrimental
cost
lower grades that would eventually lead to hatred. So, it might be for the best to explain the importance of exercising rather than adding Verb problem
cause
it
more numeric values.
Correct pronoun usage
apply
On the contrary
, extra physical hours
in school
programs leads
to students’ mental and physical development. Change the verb form
lead
In other words
, children join school
at a critical age and they go through physical and mental development during this
period. Their bodies change and their attitudes begin to form. For
this
reason, increasing the hours’
students spend in Change noun form
hours
school
exercising can perfectly elicit the importance of sport
for children and cultivate the idea of exercising for the rest of their lives. Also
, it is important to know that preventing obesity at a young age is much more effective than trying to cure it later. Additionally
, exercising can act as a significant environmental factor in children’s height and bone density that can affect their overall
BMI. So, as long as they get to do various sport
at Fix the agreement mistake
sports
school
, the probability of student’s
achieving their best physical Change noun form
students
genetic
will increase and they may be more interested in building a life-long habit of exercising.
I think having more Replace the word
genetics
hours
of sports at school
is beneficial for students’ physical growth and it can provide them with demanding
environment they need for getting taller or Add an article
the demanding
build
bone density and muscles which can ultimately assist them in staying fit and not getting overweight. Wrong verb form
building
Secondly
, it can create a habit of exercising for children to keep for the rest of their lives. Although
it is essential to consider that students do not get overwhelmed with grades. Increasing the Correct word choice
However
sport
Change the noun form
sports
hours
does not necessarily means
devoting it more grades, but it should only be implemented aiming Correct subject-verb agreement
mean
students’
well-being.
In conclusion, even though adding to schools’ Change preposition
at students’
sport
programs can Change the noun form
sports
advantage
their physical health and avoid obesity in adulthood, we should allow them to enjoy Verb problem
improve
from
the benefits of exercising without pressuring them about scores and Change preposition
apply
assessment
.Fix the agreement mistake
assessments
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task achievement
To further improve your essay, make sure to provide more specific examples and evidence to support your points. This will strengthen your arguments and make them more convincing.
coherence cohesion
While the logical structure of your essay is generally good, a clearer topic sentence at the beginning of each paragraph can help guide the reader through your arguments more effectively.
coherence cohesion
Try to use more signposting language (e.g., 'firstly,' 'secondly,' 'moreover,' 'however') to enhance the cohesion and flow between your ideas.
task achievement
Your essay addresses the prompt effectively and provides a well-rounded discussion on whether to introduce more physical education lessons in schools.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are present and well-written, setting the context and summarizing the main points comprehensively.
coherence cohesion
You provide balanced arguments, considering both the potential benefits and drawbacks of increasing physical education in schools, which demonstrates a thoughtful approach to the subject.
Fully explain your ideas
To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).
For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:
- Paragraph 1 - Introduction
- Sentence 1 - Background statement
- Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
- Sentence 3 - Thesis
- Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
- Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
- Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
- Sentence 2 - Example
- Sentence 3 - Discussion
- Sentence 4 - Conclusion
- Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
- Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
- Sentence 2 - Example
- Sentence 3 - Discussion
- Sentence 4 - Conclusion
- Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
- Sentence 1 - Summary
- Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
- Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation
Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.
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