IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5.5

Large companies use sport events to promote their products. Some people think this has a negative impact on sports. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#companies #sport #events #products #people #impact #sports
In the modern world, health plays a crucially important role in many lives. many businesses find it as
well known
Add a hyphen
well-known
show examples
 as the customer insight to emphasize the main key point in their campaigns. So more sporty advertisement events would be designed by big corporations to approach their products.
In
Change preposition
From
show examples
 my perspective, it is beneficial and ethical to use
this
 method for society to raise physical well-being with the lower government’s burden. On the one hand, it doubtlessly argues that the firm should separate significantly the campaign with commercial purposes or community ones. Those, who might join these kinds of events because of receiving recognition and impact on
sports
 images than those who do not.
This
 happened may
potential
Change the adjective
potentially
show examples
 be
due to
 the brand items’ display
such
 as clothes, hats, and so on.
However
, I firmly exposed that the benefit outweighs the
drawback
Fix the agreement mistake
drawbacks
show examples
. Following the human psycho, awarding would be something to motivate them to break their barriers so I was convinced that some big corporations hold
sports
 campaigns in order to raise their consumer’s brand awareness and create a
sports
 environment for both their personnel and customers, especially some big financial companies
such
 as Manumove marathon by Manulife (the top ten financial giant). At that event, the participants, who
are
Wrong verb form
were
show examples
 Manulife customers or staff, who
are
Wrong verb form
were
show examples
 not, were fascinated to have the new races.
Furthermore
,
this
 well-being awareness raising may
be
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
shoulder the Government’s burden.
Instead
 of releasing a budget for raising health conditions for both awareness and facility development, the firms have already taken charge of aiming to develop individual health standards, which leads the less disease in areas
such
 as obesity, cardiovascular, and so on. In conclusion, in spite of some arguments, it is likely to advance events with
sports
 themes in many big companies that I agree with it because of some reasonable reason above.
Submitted by trangngo79 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence cohesion
Work on varied vocabulary and complex sentence structures to enhance clarity and make the essay more engaging.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph topic sentence clearly introduces the main idea of the paragraph. This can improve the overall flow and coherence.
task achievement
While the essay addresses different perspectives, delving deeper into counterarguments and refuting them thoroughly can strengthen the task response.
general language use
Improve grammatical accuracy to avoid small mistakes in areas such as article usage, punctuation, and verb tense. This can elevate the overall score.
task achievement
The essay provides a clear position on the topic, stating that the promotion of products through sports events is beneficial and ethical.
task achievement
The example of the Manumove marathon by Manulife is relevant and supports the argument effectively.
coherence cohesion
Each paragraph deals with a distinct point, helping to organize the essay logically.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: