IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

Anybody can use a mobile phone to answer the work and personal calls at any time or 7 days a week. Does this development have more positive or negative effects on both individuals and society?

#anybody #phone #work #time #week #development #effects #individuals #society
There is a controversial argument about an increasing number of state-of-the-art electric devices applied for private purposes during the day.
While
this
 technological revolution could bring benefits for both individuals and society, I believe the drawbacks of modern
technology
 could cause severe problems for the owners. On the one hand, a technical connecting device could become useful in certain situations and bring expected results for
technology
 enthusiasts.
Initially
,
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
wifi-connecting cell phones could take people to close relationships with others, including national and international ones.
In addition
, regardless of the geographic distance or language barriers, people could build a good connection with each other. Overseas students,
for example
, get a scholarship and go abroad to study, thanks to the
technology
 which assists in keeping in touch with their families to hold their confidence and feel less lonely of cultural shock.
Secondly
, work discussion could be addressed indirectly through mobile
phone
Fix the agreement mistake
phones
show examples
 by taking a call or making a video meeting to figure out the issues.
This
 could save time and reduce the carbon footprint during the transportation process leading to being safe for employers and enhancing the life quality for residents in over the world. To illustrate it, the employer could get electrical mail through their phones to take cover the private missions for just a minute and reply immediately to their opinion which enhances the working performance.
On the other hand
, technical dependence has many severe consequences for people and their countries as well.
Firstly
,
technology
 consumes time and prevents face-to-face communication, which causes
losing
Wrong verb form
people to lose
show examples
 social relationships,
becoming
Wrong verb form
become
show examples
 introverts, or even
becoming
Wrong verb form
become
show examples
 depressed.
Secondly
, using modern devices in
long
Correct article usage
the long
show examples
 term could be affected by
lacking
Wrong verb form
a lack of
show examples
 activities, which leads to serious health problems
such
 as heart-related disease, and weakening kidney and lung functions. The youngsters,
for instance
, who could not undergo the experience of the outdoor curriculum may get the undesired results for their health, compared to the ones of the same age who
witnesses
Correct subject-verb agreement
witness
show examples
 fresh air in the park. In conclusion,
while
technology
 is created to serve as a useful tool for better quality, I strongly believe personal devices are more negative effects than their advantages.
Submitted by nhunhutran1996 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task response
Ensure that the essay fully addresses all parts of the question and stays on topic throughout. Additionally, provide clearer examples to better support the main points.
coherence cohesion
Focus on creating a clear and logical structure for the essay, including a well-defined introduction and conclusion. Ensure that all main points are supported with relevant examples and details.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: