Many animal species in the world are becoming extinct nowadays. Some people say that countries and individuals should protect these animals from dying out, while others say we should concentrate more on the problems of human beings. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

In recent years, the number of animal species facing extinction has increased dramatically.
While
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some people argue that nations and human beings should
prioritize
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prioritise
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animal conservation, others believe that focusing on people’s problems is more important. In my opinion,
although
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human problems are undeniably urgent, protecting endangered species is essential for society in the long term. On the one hand,
the
Correct article usage
an
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important reason for protecting animals is that ecosystems
closely
Verb problem
are closely
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connect
Wrong verb form
connected
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with human survival. When one species
Verb problem
becomes extincts
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extincts
Correct your spelling
extinct
,
then
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another one may easily disappear, which would disrupt
food
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the food
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chain and eventually lead to the collapse of entire ecosystems.
For example
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, bees play a crucial role in pollination. If their population declines, those plants that rely on them to reproduce may
significantly be
Correct word order
be significantly
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affected, causing environmental instability. The decrease in biodiversity may ultimately influence human beings, as people rely on stable ecosystems for food, clean water, and
resoureces
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resources
.
As a result
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, protecting animals is not only about preserving wildlife but
also
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about ensuring
human
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the human
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future.
On the other hand
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, some people argue that addressing people’s problems should be
prioritized
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prioritised
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because some countries have not met basic human demands.
For instance
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, in developing nations, they still lack quality medical
service
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services
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and infrastructure. If governments allocate a large proportion of limited budgets and resources to wildlife conservation, it will reduce the investment
on
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in
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other essential areas,
such
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as education, healthcare, and transport. From
this
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perspective,
prioritizing
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prioritising
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animal protection over human welfare may be viewed as an unrealistic and unethical practice. In conclusion,
while
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tackling human issues is pressing and brings short-term benefits for society, I contend that endangered animal protection will affect human life in the long run, as individual survival largely depends on the environment.

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Task Response
Clarify your main position at the start and restate it in the conclusion.
Task Response
Add more strong examples for both views to back your points.
Language
Check grammar and spelling, especially 'extincts' and other errors.
Coherence
Use shorter and simpler sentences to improve flow and keeping ideas easy to follow.
Strength
A clear stance is stated and kept through the essay.
Strength
Bees example shows cause and effect after a change in one part of the ecosystem.
Strength
Good use of linking words to move from one idea to the next.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • biodiversity
  • cascading effects
  • economic impacts
  • ecosystem
  • endangered species
  • environmental conservation
  • human welfare
  • moral duty
  • preserve
  • sustainable practices
  • habitats
  • interconnected
  • extinction
  • advocates
  • opponents
  • priority
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