IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

Multicultural societies, where people of different groups live together, bring more benefits than drawbacks to a country. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#societies #people #groups #country
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Some
people
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 argue that
in
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multicultural
societies
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, where many
people
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 from different cultural and linguistic backgrounds live together, bring more advantages than disadvantages to
society
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. I completely agree with
this
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 statement because multicultural
societies
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 promote solidarity and peace among
people
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 from different countries, and they allow
people
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 to live in
societies
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 which are free from discrimination. Multicultural
societies
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 foster peace and international solidarity among different nations. In a multicultural
society
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,
people
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 from various cultural and linguistic backgrounds live together, which allows them to remain respectful towards the cultures, languages, religions and customs of each other. Living in a multicultural
society
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 increases the tolerance of
people
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, and
therefore
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, they can stay together keeping aside their prejudice, racist ideas, and superstitions.
For instance
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, Australia is a multicultural country, and
therefore
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, everyone is respectful towards
other's
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other
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 cultures and customs.
Moreover
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, multicultural
societies
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 help to erase discrimination among different nations. To ensure equality in a multicultural
society
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, the governments of multicultural countries always provide
people
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 with equal
opportunities
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 and resources. Everyone has
an
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equal access to resources and
opportunities
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 based on their eligibility and abilities.
Therefore
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, no one here is encountering discrimination
while
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 accessing employment or educational
opportunities
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.
For instance
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, in India,
people
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 from all walks of life receive the same
opportunities
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while
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 receiving employment, education and government services only because it is a multicultural country. In conclusion, I completely agree that multicultural countries have more benefits than drawbacks because citizens get equal resources and
opportunities
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 here, and they are respectful towards the cultures, languages and religions of others.
Submitted by rahman_rehana on

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language
Consider using more varied vocabulary to enhance the richness of the essay language.
argumentation
Try to introduce a counter-argument to show a balanced perspective.
structure
The essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, effectively framing the main argument.
evidence
The examples provided, such as those about Australia and India, are relevant and help to illustrate key points.
task response
The response fully addresses the question by discussing both cultural respect and equality.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • cultural exchange
  • cultural fabric
  • traditions and perspectives
  • innovation
  • economic growth
  • social cohesion
  • tolerance and understanding
  • unity in diversity
  • cultural clashes
  • language barriers
  • multilingualism
  • integration
  • translation services
  • prejudice
  • diversity
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