IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

Successful professional athletes can earn much more than people in other important professions, such as nurses, doctors and teacher.Someone considers it quite justified, and someone considers it unfair.To what extent tdo you agree or disagree?

#athletes #people #professions #nurses #doctors #teacher #someone #tdo
The issue of
incomes
Fix the agreement mistake
income
show examples
 in various occupations has been discussed whether its amount is acceptable with the social position.Some famous sportsmen can earn more money than other essential careers
such
 as doctors.
This
 leads to the critics that it is unfair regarding the public contribution.In my opinion. I agree that successful
players
 deserve to earn more money
due to
 their perseverance and icon for the youth.
To begin
 with, there are numerous factors that create
layman
Fix the agreement mistake
laymen
show examples
 to be well-known
players
. One of the most important parts is their patience.Without
this
 trait, their goals could not be reached easily.
Thus
, it should be fair that they should be treated with
high-paid
Correct your spelling
high
show examples
 salaries.
For example
, before participating in any games, athletes had to run as many times as possible to get the best time record. The more they practised, the faster they could run.
As a result
, they can attain the desired positions in the final match.
Thereby
Rephrase
Therefore
show examples
, the reward for
hard-working
Replace the word
hard work
show examples
 should be enough to empower them to continue their jobs.
In addition
, since playing
sport
Fix the agreement mistake
sports
show examples
 is the symbol of a healthy lifestyle, it raises public awareness of the value of exercise.
In other words
, successful professional
sports
players
 are the hero of all fans,especially children.
For instance
, many
sports
 activities
such
 as football, volleyball, and basketball are held frequently
due to
 the success of the national
sports
 team.
This
 leads to healthy communities which can improve the
overall
 quality of life.
Therefore
, it should be justified to promote national
sports
players
 with high
payroll
Fix the agreement mistake
payrolls
show examples
. In conclusion,
according to
 endeavour and public figures, great
players
 in all kinds of
sports
 should deserve high revenues.Despite the indirect effects of their works, they provide crucial inspiration for the general public. -
Submitted by paisarnsi182 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task response
Provide a stronger thesis statement that clearly states your position on the topic and outlines the main points you will cover in the essay. Make sure to address all parts of the essay prompt and develop your ideas more fully and coherently.
coherence and cohesion
Work on organizing your ideas in a more logically structured manner. Use transition words and phrases to link your ideas more clearly and create a smoother flow of information throughout the essay.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: