IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

It seems clear that obesity in today’s society is to some extent due to the availability of fast food. Should the government place a tax on fast food to reduce the amount of food consumed? Do you agree? Give your opinion.

#obesity #today’s #society #availability #food #government #place #tax #amount
Nowadays, being overweight has an enormously communal problem in the whole world. The reason that pre-cooked food and its low prices attract people to buy
junk
 food, most
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
Add an article
the inhabitant
show examples
inhabitant
Fix the agreement mistake
inhabitants
show examples
 prefer fast food because
its
Replace the word
it's
it is
show examples
 convenient and easy to get anywhere.
Although
 all nation is worried about
its
Correct pronoun usage
their
show examples
 younger generation's
health
, some countries are contributing to
this
 phenomenon by increasing tax on sugary drinks to decrease
health
 issues
such
 as diabetes and obesity. In my mind, it is sound to me is a great decision to
saving
Wrong verb form
save
show examples
 humanity. In
this
essay
Add a comma
,essay
show examples
 I want to pursue the whole nation to take
further
Add an article
a further
the further
show examples
step
Fix the agreement mistake
steps
show examples
for
Change preposition
toward
show examples
this
 diversity. It must be acknowledged, that what are the main causes and sources of obesity.
Thus
, the price range is higher for healthy supplements rather than clutter snacks.
For example
, a healthy salad diet is expensive while there is trash bread like a burger you can get half price with salad, all these troubles populace's main attraction is fast foodstuff; is cheap and easy to reach without doing any effort. In my opinion, if all regimes make healthy feed cheaper and increase the higher prices of rubbish meals
then
 perhaps, individuals will think about it and be able to pursue themselves to buy fruits and veg spite the trash nutrients. Another way to get rid of these cis
alamities
Correct your spelling
calamities
,
to
Add a missing verb
is to
show examples
 stop promotions
any
Change preposition
of any
show examples
junk
 diets and high calories products.
Junk
 rubble cooking advertisements must be prohibited in all
state
Fix the agreement mistake
states
show examples
. By and large, children consuming pre- cooked meals must be reduced
therefore
,
in
Change preposition
as
show examples
result
Correct article usage
a result
show examples
 obesity will reduce automatically. Authorities must accost citizens to take a high fibre diet and stay healthy
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 because
health
 is a crucial prospect for
whole
Add an article
the whole
show examples
 wide world.
In addition
, I agreed that
Correct article usage
a low
show examples
low fiber
Add a hyphen
low-fiber
show examples
 diet must not be consumed by a youngster or any age group. The Administration has to increase the
the
Remove the redundancy
apply
show examples
price
on
Change preposition
of
show examples
junk
 eatery same like that, they increased
prices
Correct article usage
the prices
show examples
 of tobacco or cigarettes to get rid of
citizens
Change noun form
citizens'
citizen's
show examples
habit
Fix the agreement mistake
habits
show examples
.
In addition
, quick service restaurants must be banned due to public
health
, Afterall, youngsters
Correct your spelling
are
are the
arethe
Correct your spelling
are
 the backbone of any society and we do not want them to to to emerge with serious
health
 issues.
Submitted by ahtesham on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: