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Writing Samples /
Band 6

The percentage of overweight children in western countries has increased by almost 20% in the last ten years. Discuss the causes and effects of this disturbing trend.

#percentage #children #countries #ten #years #effects #trend
In the
last
 ten years, the number of
children
suffer
Wrong verb form
suffering
show examples
 from
obesity
 in western countries has risen by almost 20%. Doing less exercise and eating much junk food are the main reasons for that.
As a result
,
children
’s health deteriorated, causing many health issues, and overweight
children
 might
be
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
loss
Replace the word
lose
show examples
 confidence as well. One of the
first
 reasons
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the number of
obesity
 increased so
much
Correct quantifier usage
apply
show examples
quickly is that
children
 always sitting and lack
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
exercise.
For example
, as technology developed,
children
 are more willing to
spent
Change the form of the verb
spend
show examples
 more time
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
sitting before the computer and playing computer games rather than
go
Wrong verb form
going
show examples
 outside to have a walk. Another reason that needs to be considered is
children
 are the main group of people who consume fatty food.
Such
 as chips and pizza which
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
show examples
 full of oil.
Consequently
,
those unhealthy diet
Change the determiner
that unhealthy diet
those unhealthy diets
show examples
 would cause weight growth rapidly.
Obesity
 would cause many
healthy
Replace the word
health
show examples
 issues for
children
.
For example
, they might have a high blood level or diabetes at a very young age, so
that
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
they need to pay more attention
about
Change preposition
to
show examples
 their playing and
eating
Change the capitalization
Eating
show examples
 Behavior. They cannot play
everything
Change preposition
with everything
show examples
 as well as
eating
Wrong verb form
eat
show examples
 everything,
this
 might
causes
Change the verb form
cause
show examples
 some
psychology
Replace the word
psychological
show examples
 problems.
In addition
, some overweight
children
 might
loss
Replace the word
lose
show examples
 confidence
about
Change preposition
in
show examples
 themselves. Because of
obesity
,
children
 might not like to express themselves freely since they are afraid of judgement
comes
Wrong verb form
coming
show examples
 from
other person
Change the wording
another person
other people
show examples
,
such
 as giving a performance before their peers.
Thus
,
obesity
 might cause ill-effect both
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
 their body
or
Correct word choice
and
show examples
 their maid. In conclusion, lack of exercise and eating much junk food would lead to a bad effect
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
children
’s
body
Fix the agreement mistake
bodies
show examples
 and
mind
Fix the agreement mistake
minds
show examples
. Teachers in the school should always give some
healthy
Replace the word
health
show examples
 education classes and parents should give their
children
 a good example at home.
Submitted by y.zhou46 on

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