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Band 5.5

Film stars and music celebrities may earn a great deal of money and live in luxurious surroundings, but many of them lead unhappy lives. Do you agree? To what extent is this the price they pay for being famous?

#film #stars #music #celebrities #money #surroundings #lives #price
Film stars and music
celebrities
 may earn a great deal of
money
 and live in luxurious surroundings, indeed.
However
, many of them will experience unhappy lives, and I agree with
this
 opinion. There are several reasons why famous and rich
people
 would still have a chance to live unpleasant lives.
First,
money
 does not always bring happiness. In fact, we can gain joyful moments through simple things which are
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
things that we will not have even through
money
,
such
 as having quality time with our
beloved
Correct your spelling
loved
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 ones, having good health, eating
some
Correct quantifier usage
apply
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delicious meals, and so on.
On the other hand
, some film stars and
celebrities
 seem to have less privacy as they are well-known in public. Since
people
 are likely to have eyes on them, they would find it difficult to enjoy their
life
.
For instance
, when some
celebrities
 want to go on holiday with their family to a certain place,
people
 in those areas tend to follow them whenever and wherever they are or might bother them by taking pictures of their private
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
show examples
 secretly. When it happens, it will lead those
celebrities
 to have uncomfortable times.
Furthermore
, they may feel depressed and frustrated.
To sum up
, even though they have lots of
money
 and live in luxurious surroundings, they can still feel
displeasing
Wrong verb form
displeased
show examples
 in
life
beacuse
Correct your spelling
because
 it is still hard to become public figures.
In addition
, they are still human beings or ordinary
people
 just like us, and perhaps some of them are living
complicated
Add an article
a complicated
show examples
life
.
Submitted by melindahthrsyaa on

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task response
In the introduction, you should have addressed the specific points mentioned in the prompt and clearly stated your position. Additionally, ensure that your conclusion summarizes the main points and restates your position on the issue.
coherence cohesion
You have mostly used cohesive devices appropriately to connect ideas and progression of the essay. However, make sure to organize your ideas in a more logical structure to enhance coherence.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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