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Band 4

Health care has always been a challenge to most governments. Some people think that governments should collect fat tax because fattening food increases the risk of diseases. Others, however, believe that people should be free to choose their own diet. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

#health #care #challenge #governments #people #tax #food #increases #risk #diseases #diet
Nowadays, as the pace of life in the city is becoming faster than before,
people
 always have less time to cook by themselves.
Instead
, a variety of new
food
 has appeared in
this
 world,
such
 as fast
food
 and microwaved
food
. These kinds of
food
 are really
convenience
Replace the word
convenient
show examples
 for
people
 who spend most of their time
on
Change preposition
at
show examples
 work.
However
, it
also
cause
Change the verb form
causes
show examples
 some
health
 problems for
people
. On the one hand,
people
 who always dine out would have a higher risk of getting diseases,
this
 is because we have no idea about the making process of the
food
 we eat and we don't know if the ingredients are fresh or not.
Furthermore
, in order to make the
food
 more appealing, it always contains lots of salt and oil, which is the main culprit of obesity .
Therefore
, some
people
 argue that if
people
who
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
do not care about their own
health
, it will cause a waste of
health
 care funds which is offered by
government
Add an article
the government
show examples
, so they need to pay more
health
 care taxes to
government
Add an article
the government
show examples
.
On the other hand
, some
people
 think they have the
rights
Fix the agreement mistake
right
show examples
 to choose the
food
 they want to eat,
government
 should not limit the freedom of
people
 to choose what they want to eat.
Moreover
, nobody volunteers to put themselves at
risks
Fix the agreement mistake
risk
show examples
, if they have enough time to cook themselves, they would not want to eat the unknown
food
 to risk their own
health
. As far as I am concerned, I believe that it is inappropriate for
government
Add an article
the government
show examples
 to collect
fat
Correct article usage
a fat
show examples
 tax. It not only violates human rights but
also
 shows disrespect to the
people
 who are genetically predisposed to fat disease. There must be some better solutions to deal with
this
 problem
such
 as encouraging
people
 to do some exercise. We should come up with an award system
instead
 of a punishment.
Submitted by wanyc90 on

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For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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