IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4

Health care has always been a challenge to most governments. Some people think that governments should collect fat tax because fattening food increases the risk of diseases. Others, however, believe that people should be free to choose their own diet. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

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Nowadays, as the pace of life in the city is becoming faster than before,
people
Use synonyms
 always have less time to cook by themselves.
Instead
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, a variety of new
food
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 has appeared in
this
Linking Words
 world,
such
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 as fast
food
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 and microwaved
food
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. These kinds of
food
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 are really
convenience
Replace the word
convenient
show examples
 for
people
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 who spend most of their time
on
Change preposition
at
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 work.
However
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, it
also
Linking Words
cause
Change the verb form
causes
show examples
 some
health
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 problems for
people
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. On the one hand,
people
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 who always dine out would have a higher risk of getting diseases,
this
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 is because we have no idea about the making process of the
food
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 we eat and we don't know if the ingredients are fresh or not.
Furthermore
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, in order to make the
food
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 more appealing, it always contains lots of salt and oil, which is the main culprit of obesity .
Therefore
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, some
people
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 argue that if
people
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who
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
do not care about their own
health
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, it will cause a waste of
health
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 care funds which is offered by
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government
Add an article
the government
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, so they need to pay more
health
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 care taxes to
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government
Add an article
the government
show examples
.
On the other hand
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, some
people
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 think they have the
rights
Fix the agreement mistake
right
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 to choose the
food
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 they want to eat,
government
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 should not limit the freedom of
people
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 to choose what they want to eat.
Moreover
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, nobody volunteers to put themselves at
risks
Fix the agreement mistake
risk
show examples
, if they have enough time to cook themselves, they would not want to eat the unknown
food
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 to risk their own
health
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. As far as I am concerned, I believe that it is inappropriate for
Use synonyms
government
Add an article
the government
show examples
 to collect
fat
Correct article usage
a fat
show examples
 tax. It not only violates human rights but
also
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 shows disrespect to the
people
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 who are genetically predisposed to fat disease. There must be some better solutions to deal with
this
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 problem
such
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 as encouraging
people
Use synonyms
 to do some exercise. We should come up with an award system
instead
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 of a punishment.

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Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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