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Writing Samples
Band 7.5

Despite huge improvements in healthcare, the overall standard of physical health in many developed countries is now falling. What could be the reason for this trend, and what can be done to reverse it?

#improvements #healthcare #health #countries #reason #trend
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Although
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 healthcare facilities have been significantly improved over recent years, many developed nations have witnessed a downgrade in the
overall
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 standard of physical
health
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. In
this
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 essay, I will explain the reasons for
this
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 phenomenon and suggest some possible solutions to solve it.
To begin
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 with, it is evident that individual physical
health
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 status, which gets worse yearly, contributes to the lower
overall
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 standard of physical
health
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. A sedentary lifestyle is a primary reason for poor physical
health
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. In the office environment of developed countries, most tasks involve paperwork, and employees have to sit in the office for hours without a long break to do outdoor activities. Children, after school, tend to play games on smart devices rather than do exercises. Another reason is poor nutrition and diet. As fast food stores grow, it is more convenient for parents and their kids to consume burgers and nuggets containing high calories and low nutrition, leading to poor physical
health
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. There are some practical and applicable solutions to improve the
overall
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 standard of physical
health
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.
Firstly
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, governments and companies should build more sporting centres in neighbourhoods and workplaces to encourage adults to get more light exercise during or after working hours.
In addition
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, it is crucial to raise awareness for parents to cook homemade meals for their kids with balanced nutrition. Both methods would improve physical
health
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 on average and ultimately the higher standard of physical
health
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 in developed nations. In conclusion, with the aforementioned, I believe that individual
health
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 mainly affects the fall of the
overall
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 standard of physical
health
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. Building sports facilities and raising awareness can be applied to solve
this
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 phenomenon.
Submitted by jakedth162 on

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task response
Provide more specific examples and statistics to support your arguments.
coherence cohesion
Ensure a clear and logical flow of ideas between paragraphs, and consider using transition words to improve coherence.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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