IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

Ordinary people copy famous people whom they see on TV and magazines. Do you think it is a positive development?

#people #copy #tv #magazines #development
TV and magazines play an important role in our daily life. These are meant to provide information and entertainment to their viewers. With their vast reach nowadays they have evolved into our daily
life style
Correct your spelling
lifestyle
show examples
 and ordinary
people
 generally tend to follow famous
people
 and celebrities being shown through
this
 media. I believe
this
 is largely a negative
development
. The major negative aspect of
this
development
 is that
people
 are attracted by and follow the glamorous side of these
people
, which is portrayed more.
As a
result
Add a comma
result,
show examples
 ordinary
people
 follow famous personalities based on their looks only and not based on the work they do,
success
Add an article
the success
a success
show examples
 they have achieved
cr
Correct your spelling
or
 their contribution to society.
For example
, if their favourite celeb has
6 pack
Add a hyphen
6-pack
show examples
 abs, they
also
 try to achieve
such
 a body, and to do so quickly, they have to consume a lot of unhealthy supplements, which may not be good for them. Some girls even stop eating altogether to get the size zero figure of their role model. What they fail to realise is that these
celebs
 spend hours in the gym
everyday
Replace the word
every day
show examples
 to get that sort of figure. Another negative effect of
this
development
 is that if these
celebs
 drink or smoke in public, the common
people
 think it is a sort of status symbol and do the same. They
also
 want to achieve
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 comfortable lifestyle and costly cars and other
such
 possessions without doing the hard work required to achieve
such
 status.
As a result
, petty crime incidences are often seen. On the positive side, these
celebs
 sometimes motivate
people
 to do good things and not let any setbacks in their
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
show examples
 lead them to go into depression. The encouragement given by celebrated
people
 can help them to overcome
such
situation
Fix the agreement mistake
situations
show examples
 to achieve success and help others
also
.
For example
, a famous Indian celeb Deepika Padukone told
people
 how she fought with her depression in a
youtube
Correct your spelling
YouTube
show examples
 interview. Many
people
 were really motivated by it and
learnt
Replace the word
learned
show examples
 ways to come out of their depression.
To sum up
, it is true that
people
 tend to copy famous
people
 who are glamourized by the media. I firmly believe that it is a more negative than a positive
development
.
People
 should not follow these
celebs
 blindly. They should be
realjstic
Correct your spelling
realistic
 and follow only the good things of these
celebs
.
Submitted by abdulbasit667 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Task Response
Ensure that the response fully addresses all parts of the task. Develop and support the main ideas with relevant, specific examples and explanations.
Coherence and Cohesion
Improve the clarity and organization of ideas. Use a wider range of cohesive devices to link ideas together more effectively.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: