IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

Governments should focus their spending on public services rather than on arts such as Music and Painting. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#governments #focus #services #arts #music
It is undeniable that
instead
 of funding and spending money on vital sectors in the country, many governments focus on financially supporting the various shapes and types of arts
such
 as Music and painting. As far as I am concerned, I see that governments should determine their priorities, and work
according to
 them in order to bring welfare and prosperity to the country. I will delve into two reasons why I believe that opinion. First and foremost, in the majority of communities, you can easily notice that a lot of money is spent on the art department, high-quality paintings in some streets and museums, and various sculptures.
On the other hand
, you might find a poor condition of education, a weak system of transportation, and an increase in ailments and diseases.
This
 is a really devastating phenomenon that could be found all over the world,
while
 there are several advanced countries trying to develop their public services.
For example
, the UK and Germany are totally swamped
due to
 their hard work
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
 enhancing the health and education sectors.
In addition
, even though arts are important as they reflect the heritage of a country, and depict a huge experience and a view of someone, they are still not
crucial
Rephrase
as crucial
show examples
 as public services are.
In other words
, the community without a heritage can live and survive, but, on the other side, if it is noticeably poor and hungry ,
then
 it will not continue with others. So, we have to increase the awareness of that thing.
For instance
, Egypt, Australia and Brazil.
To conclude
, from my perspective, I see that working on both might be more wholesome unless there is an issue in the significant departments.
Moreover
, in order to have a strong society, governments have to
put
Verb problem
make
show examples
 the enhancement of health and education a priority.
Also
, we must provide some support for musicians and artists in order to have a balanced society.
Submitted by mamerm77 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task response
The essay addresses the given topic, offering a clear opinion and supporting it with relevant examples. However, the coherence and cohesion could be improved by organizing the ideas more coherently and using cohesive devices effectively. The introduction and conclusion are weak and need to be stronger and more conclusive.
coherence cohesion
The logical structure of the essay is somewhat clear, but it lacks coherence and cohesion. The organization of ideas needs improvement, and cohesive devices should be used to connect ideas more effectively. The introduction and conclusion are weak and need to be strengthened to provide a clearer framework for the essay.
What to do next:
Look at other essays: