IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 6.5

In many countries today, if people want to find work, they have to move away from their friends and their families. Do you think the advantages of this development outweigh the disadvantages? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from own knowledge or experience. You should write at least 250 words.

#countries #people #work #move #friends #families #development
Nowdays,
people
 around the world decide to move far away from their relatives and families for gain better jobs. In
this
 essay i will explain of my point of view about the benefits to
work
 long distances from friends and families.
On the other hand
, Many workers choose to have a job in other city or country since they have more opportunity
such
 as: good
salary
, new experiences, and new friens. As we know that if the employeyment just stuck in their home town specially in rural
areas
 difficult to get job because there is not much opportunity like in urban
areas
.
for example
 :
people
 in rural
areas
 mostly the job as a farmer or working in the factory,
while
 workers in urban
areas
work
 at supermarket, station, hospital, ect. depend on their education. Futhermore, the workers
also
 consider about the
salary
 if they are move to other city even abroad they will get much
salary
 rathen than only stay in their place. we see in
this
 era
people
 compete to
work
 abroad for gain big
salary
for example
 : Australian goverment has program called WHF (working holiday visa) which is
people
 not only holidays but
also
 they can
work
 in Australia with
this
 program many Indonesian
people
 try to take
this
 opportunity for
work
 in there and make much money. In Conclution,
People
 have positif impact from
work
 sapareted from the families and friends that they have many option for
work
 and
also
 for the
salary
 more big than in their place particulary if they
work
 abroad.
Submitted by ru.kabiru.biru on

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coherence cohesion
Ensure clarity in your ideas by structuring your essay with well-defined paragraphs. Start each paragraph with a clear topic sentence.
task achievement
Focus on elaborating and developing your arguments more comprehensively with relevant examples.
language accuracy
Avoid basic grammatical errors and improve your lexical resource by using a wider range of vocabulary accurately.
task achievement
You presented a valid argument regarding the benefits of working far from family, like better job opportunities and higher salaries.
introduction conclusion
The essay does conclude with an overall opinion, giving a clear stance on the issue.
supported main points
You gave an example with the Australian government’s working holiday visa program, demonstrating real-world knowledge.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • relocation
  • employment prospects
  • professional development
  • cultural exposure
  • isolation
  • familial relationships
  • cost of living
  • career progression
  • mental health
  • significant life events
  • higher salaries
  • support families
  • broaden horizons
  • living standards
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