IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Some people say the government should give priority to healthcare. Others say they should spend more money on other problems. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

As society is advancing by leaps and bounds, people attach great importance to social development. Under
this
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 circumstance, an absolute consensus is hardly reached as to whether authorities should set
healthcare
Use synonyms
 or other purposes as the top priority. In
this
Linking Words
 essay, an objective analysis of
this
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 argument will be made, followed by my opinion. On the one hand, it is noteworthy that the investment in medication merits the legislator’s attention. Many studies have shown that
although
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 it is invisible in human hierarchical needs, access to
healthcare
Use synonyms
 is falling to the most fundamental demands.
However
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,
this
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 requirement is not satisfied
to
Change preposition
for
show examples
 the whole population because of
high
Correct article usage
the high
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 costs
regarding
Change preposition
of
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 hospitalization, and treatment of chronic diseases.
Therefore
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, it
will
Wrong verb form
would
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 be a grave mistake to overlook the fact that authorities who are responsible for providing public services to citizens should consider
healthcare
Use synonyms
 as the highest priority.
Otherwise
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, the failure to provide
healthcare
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 at low costs is synonymous with the failure to fulfil their tasks.
For example
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, in developed countries where individual well-being is highly regarded, local governments usually more often than not distribute multi-million dollars on an annual basis to the free-of-charge medical system to guarantee basic happiness to their population.
On the other hand
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, the counter-argument raised by objectors is that legislators should place other social aspects ahead.
This
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 belief could be attributed to the fact that in many countries the wide availability of
healthcare
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 services is inferior to other sectors.
For example
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, in underdeveloped ,countries it is a vicious circle that persistent poverty is the chief culprit responsible for social issues
such
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 as high mortality
rate
Fix the agreement mistake
rates
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, serious malnutrition, and the outbreak of infectious diseases.
This
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 example is an illustration of the fact that governments should prioritize the development of the economic sector to achieve the target of prosperity, and self-sufficiency. From
this
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 activity, they can in
long
Correct article usage
the long
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 term have sufficient financial sources for food security, vaccination and other
healthcare
Use synonyms
 services. In conclusion, I side with the stance of the latter, believing that it is an optimal approach to all social problems. As the perfect development, we should put more awareness on other factors to increase happiness in our entire life.

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task achievement
Consider refining your introduction for clarity and conciseness. Establish a clearer thesis statement that directly reflects your opinion.
task achievement
While your arguments are clear, providing more specific examples could strengthen your points and make your essay more impactful. For instance, when discussing economic challenges, consider citing specific countries or statistics.
coherence and cohesion
Ensure consistency in presenting ideas. Make sure paragraphs transition smoothly, and consider using linking words to connect ideas for better flow.
coherence and cohesion
Clarify your conclusion to succinctly reflect your stance without introducing new concepts. Summarizing your key arguments and reiterating your opinion would enhance the conclusion.
content
The essay presents both sides of the argument well, demonstrating a balanced perspective on the issue.
language
Your use of varied vocabulary and sentence structures is commendable, showcasing language proficiency.
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