IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

The role of education is to prepare children for the modern world. Schools should cut art and music out of the curriculum so that children can focus on useful subjects such as information technology. To what extent do you agree or disagrees with this statement?

#role #education #children #world #schools #art #music #curriculum #focus #subjects #information #technology
Many people think schools may face a dilemma of whether they should replace
art
 and
music
 with
information
technology
 so as to equip
students
 with the ability to face the challenges in
this
 modern world. While
information
technology
 is of paramount importance for
students
, I believe subjects like
art
 and
music
 are
also
 indispensable. Admittedly,
it
Correct your spelling
if
show examples
students
 choose
information
technology
 (IT) courses, they can obtain hands-on experience and earn good money. From the perspective of practical experience, IT
students
 are given practical studies rather than theoretical ones.
That is
, scholars are not confined to books or textbooks because most universities allocate large
budget
Fix the agreement mistake
budgets
show examples
 to add new
information
 on computing and update their savvy continuously.
Moreover
, undoubtedly, a pursuit of IT courses can result in high earning potential because IT courses are highly prized in modern businesses.
Therefore
, graduates can get a leg up on others in the competition with these handy, professional skills. Despite these arguments, I believe that
art
 is an essential subject because
students
 should learn to promote their creativity and express their emotions and feelings.
First
, without
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
training
of
Change preposition
in
show examples
 imaginative and creative thinking,
students
 will struggle to grow into dynamic, critical individuals when they become adults.
On the contrary
, if they
particularly
Add a missing verb
are particularly
show examples
 gifted in their creative abilities, studying arts can help them
further
 nurture their talents and sharpen
the
Change the word
their
show examples
 cognitive skills.
For instance
, a study suggests that
students
 who opt for
art
 and musical subjects will feel more independent,
boost
Correct word choice
and boost
show examples
 their confidence and become bold in
decision making
Add a hyphen
decision-making
show examples
 when they join the workforce in the future.
Second
, if some young children do not have the linguistic capabilities to clearly express themselves and communicate successfully with others, by studying
art
 and
music
, they are able to convey meanings through pictures, symbols, and rhythm. Owing to
this
 reason, many teachers can utilize children's artworks to gain an insight into what they think and feel. In conclusion,
students
 should strike a balance between all subjects in an attempt to attain a healthy development both mentally and physically.
Thus
, it is necessary to ensure that there is an optimum balance of
art
,
music
, and
information
technology
it
Correct your spelling
in
show examples
school
Change the verb form
schools
show examples
 curricula.
Submitted by samuelhui2004 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: