IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

It seems clear that obesity in today’s society is to some extent due to the availability of fast food. Should the government place a tax on fast food to reduce the amount of food consumed? Do you agree? Give your opinion.

#obesity #today’s #society #availability #food #government #place #tax #amount
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These days, the number of citizens, who are overweight has dramatically increased
due to
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 the abundance of fast
food
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. Some people believe that the
authority
Fix the agreement mistake
authorities
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 should impose a high tax to minimize unhealthy meal consumption by their citizens. In
this
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 essay, the reason support why placing
tax
Correct article usage
a tax
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 is a promising remedy will be presented before my perspective is reached.
To begin
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, imposing a tax is able to disincentivize residents to consume less fast
food
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. As the price of
food
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is
Unnecessary verb
apply
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increased
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increases
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, individuals seek other
food
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, which is cheaper.
For example
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, in Thailand, the government
rises
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raises
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 the cost of high sugar-containing beverages
such
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 as
Coca-cola
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Coca-Cola
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, Sprite, Fanta, and alcoholic drinks,
while
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 reducing the fee for healthy drinks like juice, milk, and pure water. As
the
Correct article usage
a
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 result, residents will buy juice
instead
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 of soft drinks.
Therefore
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, the increased bill significantly affects the selection behaviour of people.
Besides
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 discouraging people
to consume
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from consuming
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 unhealthy cuisine , increasing a tariff on junk
food
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 can
also
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 encourage companies to produce more healthy products because they can generate more profit from
making
Verb problem
apply
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clean cooking.
For instance
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, If the authority proliferates a tariff on junk cuisines
such
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 as candy, pizza, and cake, which contain a huge amount of sugar and fat, and maintains a cost on
food
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 with less sweet sugar and low calories, enormous healthy foods
such
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 as sugar-free candy, low-fat pizza, and low-calorie cake will be launched in the markets. Soon, the markets will be full of these
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food
Fix the agreement mistake
foods
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 resulting in many healthy choices for consumers. In conclusion,
this
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 essay discussed the beneficial consequences of increasing the expense of unhealthy meals including reducing consumers' purchasing of fast
food
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 and encouraging the company to produce more clean products. In my opinion,
according to
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 the aforementioned reasons, I absolutely agree with
this
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 statement.
Submitted by pantamitsaekong on

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coherence cohesion
The introduction presents a clear position and there is a conclusion. However, the introduction could be more engaging and the conclusion could summarize the main points more explicitly.
task achievement
The response addresses the task well and presents a clear opinion. However, the essay could benefit from providing more specific examples to support the main points and develop the ideas more comprehensively.
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