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Band 6

In some cultures, children are encouraged to compete against eachother. What are the advantages and disadvantages of this approach?

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Recent years have witnessed significant changes in competitiveness among young students. Educational experts have been debating whether children should maintain
this
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 habit or not has become a widely debated topic.
This
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 essay will demonstrate the merits and shortcomings of the competition between younger generations. First of all, advantages
such
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 as better knowledge learned can be obtained through competitions. There is no denying that students may feel frustrated in conducting a myriad of exercises and assignments,
while
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 their academic achievements might still hover on the same line,
due to
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 a lack of teaching and examples. As an example, recent research conducted in Japan has stated that one can learn from their own mistakes and improve even
further
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 when they tend to compete against each other. The valuable experience gained from others may be well over than listening to daily lessons,
whereas
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 the results from normal methods may not be as fruitful as peer satisfaction.
Therefore
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, improved understanding can be obtained through
this
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.
On the other hand
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, negative emotions might be observed as a drawback in contests. A great expectation should certainly be given through original training. Despite their hard work, some may still face failure against classmates considerably.
For instance
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, a recent review conducted by French scientists has mentioned that seeing enemies being ambitious in
overall
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 achievements may
gain
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cause
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 depression and preconceptions, albeit they have already tried their best.
In addition
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, youngsters' emotions may
become
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apply
show examples
fluctuated
Wrong verb form
fluctuate
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,
hence
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, having thoughts that they are deficient in aptitude.
Consequently
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, unstable behaviours affect the following study progress.
To conclude
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, there is no doubt that a contest may surge both drawbacks and benefits.
However
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, I firmly believe that pupils should not
give
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put
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 much pressure on themselves substantially.
Although
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 classmates have not reached their expectations, it is encouraged not to give up easily, since good results can be achieved inasmuch as they bypass obstacles.

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task achievement
The essay addresses the topic and provides relevant examples. However, the response could be more comprehensive and the examples could be more detailed and fully developed.
coherence and cohesion
The logical structure is generally clear, despite some problems with sentence structure. The essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, and the main points are supported with examples. However, there are issues with coherence and cohesion, with the essay lacking some clear linking devices and organization.
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